Wooowwowowowowowwwwww.
I did not mean to stumble upon this. Can you say CRINGE?
One day I might be brave (read: drunk) enough to read the poetic musings of a younger, sadder, less funny Karen. But def not today!
This is the exact train of thought that got me here:
40 day church fast starts tomorrow.
I should blog my journey.
L.
O.
L.
OHMYGOSH remember when I thought I was cool enough to blog?
What did I call that thing again?
Sweet nothings and musings?
No.
Sweet nothings and anythings?
Nope.
Sweet nothings and everythings?
Found it!
Oh God, I found it!
OH NO, I ACTUALLY FOUND IT!!!
...and, I'm still logged on to the site???????????
*starts to read last post*
*immediately digs a hole underground to hide forever*
So, hi from said hole! If you're one of the 4 people "subscribed," please don't bring this up.
Like, ever.
Part of me is glad I found this (a very small part). Because I don't get to start fresh. Little emo Karen's feelings matter and are a significant part of the journey.
Tomorrow my church starts one of my favorite yearly traditions. We fast together at the beginning of the year, to bring us closer to God. We abstain from one of our body's most basic needs for a short period of time, as a small sacrifice and offering of gratitude for all that has passed, but also for what's to come.
And here's where shit gets real (can I talk about God and curse in the same sentence? Probs not the best idea).
I am yearning and craving and in need of God's presence more than ever. I want God to completely transform my life from the inside out. I want Him to the at the core of everything I am and everything I do. I am ready, and I am willing.
You've seen Grey's Anatomy? I am Meredith Grey, season 2, episode 5.
"Pick me. Choose me. Love me."
(I know God loves me, but I'm painting a picture here.)
xoxo,
Karen
Sunday, January 6, 2019
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
walking on sunshine
Tonight's just one of those nights where I'm overwhelmed by sadness.
And I want sleep to take me in and keep me warm and safe until all these hurtful feelings go away but that just isn't a realistic option.
And I get so frustrated with myself.
Because life shouldn't be this hard. Not for me.
Not for someone who has lived such a good life.
I feel like a hypocrite for complaining.
I feel like I'm being ungrateful. That someone else deserves my spot. That someone else would value it more.
And I feel like a failure.
And I feel like a fake.
I feel like I'm disapointing God.
How dare I call myself Christian and a believer of Jesus when I know that His word tells me that I am not alone, that I am strong, that He loves me, but then I succumb to all this self-pitty and self-doubt?
I'm just so tired.
I don't know where I lost myself. I don't know when these emotions became so big that they took over who I was and desided to become a permanent part of me.
I don't want to learn to live with this sadness.
I want to overcome it, but I don't know how.
I Google'd, "i don't want to fail at life HELP ME".
I didn't click on any of the links.
I feel so stupid and weak and just sad.
I'm afraid to ask for help, but I want it so desprately.
I want someone to notice. I want someone to care.
Even if they're paid to ask these questions. Even if they're paid to listen to try and make sense of these thoughts and emotions and feelings.
sadsadsadkarenisjustsoverysad
And I want sleep to take me in and keep me warm and safe until all these hurtful feelings go away but that just isn't a realistic option.
And I get so frustrated with myself.
Because life shouldn't be this hard. Not for me.
Not for someone who has lived such a good life.
I feel like a hypocrite for complaining.
I feel like I'm being ungrateful. That someone else deserves my spot. That someone else would value it more.
And I feel like a failure.
And I feel like a fake.
I feel like I'm disapointing God.
How dare I call myself Christian and a believer of Jesus when I know that His word tells me that I am not alone, that I am strong, that He loves me, but then I succumb to all this self-pitty and self-doubt?
I'm just so tired.
I don't know where I lost myself. I don't know when these emotions became so big that they took over who I was and desided to become a permanent part of me.
I don't want to learn to live with this sadness.
I want to overcome it, but I don't know how.
I Google'd, "i don't want to fail at life HELP ME".
I didn't click on any of the links.
I feel so stupid and weak and just sad.
I'm afraid to ask for help, but I want it so desprately.
I want someone to notice. I want someone to care.
Even if they're paid to ask these questions. Even if they're paid to listen to try and make sense of these thoughts and emotions and feelings.
sadsadsadkarenisjustsoverysad
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
into the wild
I'm constantly amazed by the people I've chosen to surround myself with. Their words, their love, their simple existence does more for me than I think I'll ever be able to do for anyone else.
My sisters are downstairs singing happy birthday to one of our new members. I can hear the genuine happiness in their voices and it makes me cry.
My sisters are downstairs singing happy birthday to one of our new members. I can hear the genuine happiness in their voices and it makes me cry.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
how old is your soul
Depressed.
But still well dressed.
That will be my life this upcoming week.
Recruitment is about to start and by next weekend I'll have new sorority sisters. God, I can't wait. I need this. It's scary-weird to think about how in just a few days I'll meet girls that I won't be able to imagine my life without.
I've started my internship at PATH Academy, a charter school just around the corner from mine, and I've only been there twice but I'm already in love with it all. Everyone has been so nice and welcoming and I truly believe that I can make a difference, even if it's a small one, during my time there.
This past week was real rough and I've already managed to make a mess out of some things.
I'm always tired.
It's been way too easy to stay in bed and sleep through classes.
I see myself wanting to slip into old habits, but this year has to be different.
I'll get there.
One foot in front of the other...
I'm back home tonight.
These walls are always welcoming and warm.
These people are always kind and good.
And this is why I keep going.
Because a million things can go wrong, but nothing will ever be as right as what I have here.
Tonight as I go to sleep, I'll pray that others may be so lucky as to know a love like the one I've known.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Thursday, July 19, 2012
there's hope for the hopeless
dear god i don't even know where to begin
that's stupid
you always start off at the beginning
on monday morning 16 of us left for what was supposed to be a great vacation filled with family and friends and laughter and so many good times
no one imagined only 15 of us would return home
no one imagined it would all lead us to one of the worst days of our lives
my side of the family consisted of my parents, my two brothers, and my half-sister, camila
i hadn't seen camila in about a year and a half, and i was dreading this family vacation because the last time she went on vacation with us had gone down as the wost vacation of my life
i love her, but i didn't always like her
my pastor's family consisted of him and his wife, their three kids, his sister in law, her husband, and their three children
16 of us total
we arrived in sarasota, florida on monday in the late aftenoon
while all the parents stayed in unpacking and cooking dinner i offered to take the kids out to the beach
the waves were pretty calm and it was mostly empty since it was a private area just for the people staying in the same condos we were in
i didn't get in
i've never been a big fan of the water
one of my reoccuring nightmares is that i die drowning
the girls, my sister, camila (8), and my pastor's nieces, stephane (10) and sara (12), stayed near me all the time
they wanted to go to the pool but the boys wanted to stay in the beach and i didn't want to leave them
they were deeper in but i didn't feel too nervous watching over all of them because my brother, bryan (18) and my pastor's son, eli (15), were keeping an eye out for the younger boys, my little brother, erik (11), eli's two younger brothers, jonathan (8) and josue (11), and steph's and sara's little brother, daniel (8), too
when it started getting darker our parents called us in to eat and we all gathered in my family's suite for the first great night of what we all thought would be many
that night it stormed through the entire night
when we woke up in the morning the sky was grey and filled with rain clouds
after we had breakfast all together again we packed bags to head down to the beach for a few hours
we figured we would stay out there for a while until the rain drew us back in
i headed out before everyone else with the three small girls and we were getting ready to built sand castles while we waited for everyone else to get there when i see my dad walk out
he comes up to us and says the waved were too angry and he didn't want us getting in that day
the girls were all too excited to finally head on over to the pool, where my dad said the boys were at already
as we're walking back he tells me that he and my mom, along with the pastor are taking his wife to the hospital
she's a few weeks pregnant - 6 if i'm not mistaken - and she was bleeding profusely
her sister, jaqueline, and her husband, elias, were going to stay back with all the children at the pool but jackie decided to go with her sister at the last minute
after hours of waiting they all finally come back and the doctor's said the baby and my pastor's wife, paola, were stable for now
she has a 50/50 chance of either carrying the baby full term or suffering a miscarriage, but prayers and good thoughts are being sent their way at all times
the doctor just told her to rest a lot and if the heavy bleeding started back up again she was to return to the hospital
once the commotion of the day started to wear off again we all sat down to my dad's special quesadillas that people always beg him to make
by this time we weren't sure if we would end up leaving sooner than we planned, but i went ahead and cancelled a lunch date i had with one of my sorority sisters for this thursday morning
she was going to drive 45 minutes just to eat with me but i didn't want to cancel on her at the absolute last minute so i went ahead and told her all of this after it happened late tuesday night
wednesday, yesterday, everyone seemed to be in good spirits
we all gathered again by the pool in the early afternoon
my mom, paola, and jackie went up to get a start on dinner
elias, and my pastor, jose, went to the beach
they asked my dad to come with them, but he said it was too dirty from the storm monday night so he was just going to stay in the pool and maybe catch up with them later
when the little boys saw them heading off they all wanted to follow
stephanie and sara weren't big fans of the salty water but their dad convinced them to come along
camila wanted to go too but my dad said no but as she was getting back into the pool stephanie yells back that her mom had just walked on to the beach as well so my dad said it was okay for my sister to go
at this point i'm still in the pool with bryan, my dad and eli and my mom and paola were back in our suite getting dinner ready while everyone else was out on the beach
maybe not even thirty minutes later my pastor comes back to the pool with a group of kids, everyone except for sara who had stayed with her parents in the water
they all said my dad was right about the water being too dirty
maybe five minutes after that my mom comes down with some stuff for my dad and the pastor to put on the grills right by the pool
they had just turned on the grill when at a distance we hear loud crying
sara was screaming and running torwards us
"my parents are drowning"
at this point she had slipped on the wet cement and all she could do was point off into the distance while she tried to catch her breath in between sobs
it all happened so fast
as we all jumped out of the pool almost half of us slipped on the same pavement that sara did
nobody stopped to look at injuries
everyone got right back up and kept running
i think someone even slipped twice
i don't know - i'm not sure
we ran and ran until we arrived at the beach area right infront of our hotel, but they had apparently gotten in further down the shore line in a little area of the beach that wasn't filled with trash
god why didn't they think things through
there was obviously no trash there because instead of the waves pushing the trash out to the shore, in that area they were pulling it all in further into the sea
half way there i stopped running
sara was begging me to take her inside
she didn't want to see any of it anymore
eli runs back to where i was and tells me to take all the children, but not back to any of the rooms
his mom was still up there and after her almost miscarriage from the day before they weren't sure how to let her know what was going on
as all the other younger kids were coming back to where sara and i were standing with her younger brother and sister, i look off into where a group of people are pulling a limp body up on shore
as we're walking back to the pool the 911 help from all the calls they received started to arrive
i try to calm all the kids down, but especially sara
her little heart was beating so fast
she said she was caught in the same wave with them
she was able to swim and get out because she had some type of board
she thinks it took her about ten minutes to finally reach shore
she said her dad was trying to get himself and her mom out
she said her mom couldn't swim
her dad kept on yelling for help the entire time
her mom wasn't yelling at all
about ten minutes later bryan and eli head back to the pool
they said they were taking jackie to the hospital and that's all they knew
my mom heads over to us and tells us to give her a few minutes alone with jackie's sister while they all go and try to explain what had just happened
the pastor, my dad and elias head out to the hospital
a police officer comes over to bryan, eli and i and asks us to give him names and numbers and addresses and relationships
then he talked to sara to get her point of view of everything
she could barely get a sentence out before she started crying again
after she's done he just tells her to say a prayer for her mom
he then pulls bryan and i to the side since we were the only adults there at the time and he tells us he couldn't give us any information but that things didn't look good
he asks us if any of us saw jackie after everything that happened and as i shook my head no bryan nodded his
he then says to bryan "then you know what i mean by that"
again, bryan just nods his head
when he leaves i ask bryan what that meant
he say that they tried cpr, but that when the paramedics were taking her off, jackie didn;t have a pulse
my mom comes and takes us all back upstairs to eat
we all tried to stomach some food, but sara was the only one who didn't even touch her plate
my mom tells us to stay together while she goes back next door and makes sure paola is doing alright
a few minutes later my mom comes back in and i look up at her
with tears in her eyes she shakes her head
i follow her back into her bedroom and she says my dad had just let her know
the doctors tried everything but nothing worked
the men were on their way back
we were to wait on them to tell everyone else the news
the pastor and my mom and dad went in to tell paola her sister didn't make it
elias came into our suite where all his kids were watching tv
bryan, erik, camilla and i were in my parents' bedroom
"why does this have to happen to us"
"i hate this place"
"i hate the beach"
"i want to go back to georgia"
"she's in heaven with grandpa"
"we'll see her soon"
"i miss her"
"i want mom"
but one thing completely broke me
in between crying and screaming and sobbing and yelling i could hear sara tell her brother and sister "we have to thank god. all three of us could have died but i got out and dad got out. we have to be strong."
i can barely stand my own pain but i can't even begin to imagine theirs
we miss you so much already, jackie
all of us who knew you promise to shower your three beautiful children with so much love
i can't believe this is all real
i wish it was a nightmare
the car ride last night was awful
when you're in a van with 15 people, half of them under 12, for ten hours, and no one says a single word, you would almost gladly trade it in for hours of kicking and screaming and crying
i had to write this all down
i can't let myself ever foget any of it
as much as i want to, i can't ever forget
that's stupid
you always start off at the beginning
on monday morning 16 of us left for what was supposed to be a great vacation filled with family and friends and laughter and so many good times
no one imagined only 15 of us would return home
no one imagined it would all lead us to one of the worst days of our lives
my side of the family consisted of my parents, my two brothers, and my half-sister, camila
i hadn't seen camila in about a year and a half, and i was dreading this family vacation because the last time she went on vacation with us had gone down as the wost vacation of my life
i love her, but i didn't always like her
my pastor's family consisted of him and his wife, their three kids, his sister in law, her husband, and their three children
16 of us total
we arrived in sarasota, florida on monday in the late aftenoon
while all the parents stayed in unpacking and cooking dinner i offered to take the kids out to the beach
the waves were pretty calm and it was mostly empty since it was a private area just for the people staying in the same condos we were in
i didn't get in
i've never been a big fan of the water
one of my reoccuring nightmares is that i die drowning
the girls, my sister, camila (8), and my pastor's nieces, stephane (10) and sara (12), stayed near me all the time
they wanted to go to the pool but the boys wanted to stay in the beach and i didn't want to leave them
they were deeper in but i didn't feel too nervous watching over all of them because my brother, bryan (18) and my pastor's son, eli (15), were keeping an eye out for the younger boys, my little brother, erik (11), eli's two younger brothers, jonathan (8) and josue (11), and steph's and sara's little brother, daniel (8), too
when it started getting darker our parents called us in to eat and we all gathered in my family's suite for the first great night of what we all thought would be many
that night it stormed through the entire night
when we woke up in the morning the sky was grey and filled with rain clouds
after we had breakfast all together again we packed bags to head down to the beach for a few hours
we figured we would stay out there for a while until the rain drew us back in
i headed out before everyone else with the three small girls and we were getting ready to built sand castles while we waited for everyone else to get there when i see my dad walk out
he comes up to us and says the waved were too angry and he didn't want us getting in that day
the girls were all too excited to finally head on over to the pool, where my dad said the boys were at already
as we're walking back he tells me that he and my mom, along with the pastor are taking his wife to the hospital
she's a few weeks pregnant - 6 if i'm not mistaken - and she was bleeding profusely
her sister, jaqueline, and her husband, elias, were going to stay back with all the children at the pool but jackie decided to go with her sister at the last minute
after hours of waiting they all finally come back and the doctor's said the baby and my pastor's wife, paola, were stable for now
she has a 50/50 chance of either carrying the baby full term or suffering a miscarriage, but prayers and good thoughts are being sent their way at all times
the doctor just told her to rest a lot and if the heavy bleeding started back up again she was to return to the hospital
once the commotion of the day started to wear off again we all sat down to my dad's special quesadillas that people always beg him to make
by this time we weren't sure if we would end up leaving sooner than we planned, but i went ahead and cancelled a lunch date i had with one of my sorority sisters for this thursday morning
she was going to drive 45 minutes just to eat with me but i didn't want to cancel on her at the absolute last minute so i went ahead and told her all of this after it happened late tuesday night
wednesday, yesterday, everyone seemed to be in good spirits
we all gathered again by the pool in the early afternoon
my mom, paola, and jackie went up to get a start on dinner
elias, and my pastor, jose, went to the beach
they asked my dad to come with them, but he said it was too dirty from the storm monday night so he was just going to stay in the pool and maybe catch up with them later
when the little boys saw them heading off they all wanted to follow
stephanie and sara weren't big fans of the salty water but their dad convinced them to come along
camila wanted to go too but my dad said no but as she was getting back into the pool stephanie yells back that her mom had just walked on to the beach as well so my dad said it was okay for my sister to go
at this point i'm still in the pool with bryan, my dad and eli and my mom and paola were back in our suite getting dinner ready while everyone else was out on the beach
maybe not even thirty minutes later my pastor comes back to the pool with a group of kids, everyone except for sara who had stayed with her parents in the water
they all said my dad was right about the water being too dirty
maybe five minutes after that my mom comes down with some stuff for my dad and the pastor to put on the grills right by the pool
they had just turned on the grill when at a distance we hear loud crying
sara was screaming and running torwards us
"my parents are drowning"
at this point she had slipped on the wet cement and all she could do was point off into the distance while she tried to catch her breath in between sobs
it all happened so fast
as we all jumped out of the pool almost half of us slipped on the same pavement that sara did
nobody stopped to look at injuries
everyone got right back up and kept running
i think someone even slipped twice
i don't know - i'm not sure
we ran and ran until we arrived at the beach area right infront of our hotel, but they had apparently gotten in further down the shore line in a little area of the beach that wasn't filled with trash
god why didn't they think things through
there was obviously no trash there because instead of the waves pushing the trash out to the shore, in that area they were pulling it all in further into the sea
half way there i stopped running
sara was begging me to take her inside
she didn't want to see any of it anymore
eli runs back to where i was and tells me to take all the children, but not back to any of the rooms
his mom was still up there and after her almost miscarriage from the day before they weren't sure how to let her know what was going on
as all the other younger kids were coming back to where sara and i were standing with her younger brother and sister, i look off into where a group of people are pulling a limp body up on shore
as we're walking back to the pool the 911 help from all the calls they received started to arrive
i try to calm all the kids down, but especially sara
her little heart was beating so fast
she said she was caught in the same wave with them
she was able to swim and get out because she had some type of board
she thinks it took her about ten minutes to finally reach shore
she said her dad was trying to get himself and her mom out
she said her mom couldn't swim
her dad kept on yelling for help the entire time
her mom wasn't yelling at all
about ten minutes later bryan and eli head back to the pool
they said they were taking jackie to the hospital and that's all they knew
my mom heads over to us and tells us to give her a few minutes alone with jackie's sister while they all go and try to explain what had just happened
the pastor, my dad and elias head out to the hospital
a police officer comes over to bryan, eli and i and asks us to give him names and numbers and addresses and relationships
then he talked to sara to get her point of view of everything
she could barely get a sentence out before she started crying again
after she's done he just tells her to say a prayer for her mom
he then pulls bryan and i to the side since we were the only adults there at the time and he tells us he couldn't give us any information but that things didn't look good
he asks us if any of us saw jackie after everything that happened and as i shook my head no bryan nodded his
he then says to bryan "then you know what i mean by that"
again, bryan just nods his head
when he leaves i ask bryan what that meant
he say that they tried cpr, but that when the paramedics were taking her off, jackie didn;t have a pulse
my mom comes and takes us all back upstairs to eat
we all tried to stomach some food, but sara was the only one who didn't even touch her plate
my mom tells us to stay together while she goes back next door and makes sure paola is doing alright
a few minutes later my mom comes back in and i look up at her
with tears in her eyes she shakes her head
i follow her back into her bedroom and she says my dad had just let her know
the doctors tried everything but nothing worked
the men were on their way back
we were to wait on them to tell everyone else the news
the pastor and my mom and dad went in to tell paola her sister didn't make it
elias came into our suite where all his kids were watching tv
bryan, erik, camilla and i were in my parents' bedroom
"why does this have to happen to us"
"i hate this place"
"i hate the beach"
"i want to go back to georgia"
"she's in heaven with grandpa"
"we'll see her soon"
"i miss her"
"i want mom"
but one thing completely broke me
in between crying and screaming and sobbing and yelling i could hear sara tell her brother and sister "we have to thank god. all three of us could have died but i got out and dad got out. we have to be strong."
i can barely stand my own pain but i can't even begin to imagine theirs
we miss you so much already, jackie
all of us who knew you promise to shower your three beautiful children with so much love
i can't believe this is all real
i wish it was a nightmare
the car ride last night was awful
when you're in a van with 15 people, half of them under 12, for ten hours, and no one says a single word, you would almost gladly trade it in for hours of kicking and screaming and crying
i had to write this all down
i can't let myself ever foget any of it
as much as i want to, i can't ever forget
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