Tuesday, June 18, 2013

walking on sunshine

Tonight's just one of those nights where I'm overwhelmed by sadness.

And I want sleep to take me in and keep me warm and safe until all these hurtful feelings go away but that just isn't a realistic option.

And I get so frustrated with myself.

Because life shouldn't be this hard. Not for me.

Not for someone who has lived such a good life.

I feel like a hypocrite for complaining.

I feel like I'm being ungrateful. That someone else deserves my spot. That someone else would value it more.

And I feel like a failure.

And I feel like a fake.

I feel like I'm disapointing God.

How dare I call myself Christian and a believer of Jesus when I know that His word tells me that I am not alone, that I am strong, that He loves me, but then I succumb to all this self-pitty and self-doubt?

I'm just so tired.

I don't know where I lost myself. I don't know when these emotions became so big that they took over who I was and desided to become a permanent part of me.

I don't want to learn to live with this sadness.

I want to overcome it, but I don't know how.

I Google'd, "i don't want to fail at life HELP ME".

I didn't click on any of the links.

I feel so stupid and weak and just sad.

I'm afraid to ask for help, but I want it so desprately.

I want someone to notice. I want someone to care.

Even if they're paid to ask these questions. Even if they're paid to listen to try and make sense of these thoughts and emotions and feelings.


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