Tonight's just one of those nights where I'm overwhelmed by sadness.
And I want sleep to take me in and keep me warm and safe until all these hurtful feelings go away but that just isn't a realistic option.
And I get so frustrated with myself.
Because life shouldn't be this hard. Not for me.
Not for someone who has lived such a good life.
I feel like a hypocrite for complaining.
I feel like I'm being ungrateful. That someone else deserves my spot. That someone else would value it more.
And I feel like a failure.
And I feel like a fake.
I feel like I'm disapointing God.
How dare I call myself Christian and a believer of Jesus when I know that His word tells me that I am not alone, that I am strong, that He loves me, but then I succumb to all this self-pitty and self-doubt?
I'm just so tired.
I don't know where I lost myself. I don't know when these emotions became so big that they took over who I was and desided to become a permanent part of me.
I don't want to learn to live with this sadness.
I want to overcome it, but I don't know how.
I Google'd, "i don't want to fail at life HELP ME".
I didn't click on any of the links.
I feel so stupid and weak and just sad.
I'm afraid to ask for help, but I want it so desprately.
I want someone to notice. I want someone to care.
Even if they're paid to ask these questions. Even if they're paid to listen to try and make sense of these thoughts and emotions and feelings.