Tuesday, June 18, 2013

walking on sunshine

Tonight's just one of those nights where I'm overwhelmed by sadness.

And I want sleep to take me in and keep me warm and safe until all these hurtful feelings go away but that just isn't a realistic option.

And I get so frustrated with myself.

Because life shouldn't be this hard. Not for me.

Not for someone who has lived such a good life.

I feel like a hypocrite for complaining.

I feel like I'm being ungrateful. That someone else deserves my spot. That someone else would value it more.

And I feel like a failure.

And I feel like a fake.

I feel like I'm disapointing God.

How dare I call myself Christian and a believer of Jesus when I know that His word tells me that I am not alone, that I am strong, that He loves me, but then I succumb to all this self-pitty and self-doubt?

I'm just so tired.

I don't know where I lost myself. I don't know when these emotions became so big that they took over who I was and desided to become a permanent part of me.

I don't want to learn to live with this sadness.

I want to overcome it, but I don't know how.

I Google'd, "i don't want to fail at life HELP ME".

I didn't click on any of the links.

I feel so stupid and weak and just sad.

I'm afraid to ask for help, but I want it so desprately.

I want someone to notice. I want someone to care.

Even if they're paid to ask these questions. Even if they're paid to listen to try and make sense of these thoughts and emotions and feelings.


Saturday, October 13, 2012

wake me up

i cannot stand anything today


no one


and no fucks were given

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

into the wild

I'm constantly amazed by the people I've chosen to surround myself with. Their words, their love, their simple existence does more for me than I think I'll ever be able to do for anyone else.

My sisters are downstairs singing happy birthday to one of our new members. I can hear the genuine happiness in their voices and it makes me cry.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

how old is your soul

But still well dressed.

That will be my life this upcoming week.

Recruitment is about to start and by next weekend I'll have new sorority sisters. God, I can't wait. I need this. It's scary-weird to think about how in just a few days I'll meet girls that I won't be able to imagine my life without.

I've started my internship at PATH Academy, a charter school just around the corner from mine, and I've only been there twice but I'm already in love with it all. Everyone has been so nice and welcoming and I truly believe that I can make a difference, even if it's a small one, during my time there.

This past week was real rough and I've already managed to make a mess out of some things.

I'm always tired.

It's been way too easy to stay in bed and sleep through classes.

I see myself wanting to slip into old habits, but this year has to be different.

I'll get there.

One foot in front of the other...

I'm back home tonight.

These walls are always welcoming and warm.

These people are always kind and good.

And this is why I keep going.

Because a million things can go wrong, but nothing will ever be as right as what I have here.

Tonight as I go to sleep, I'll pray that others may be so lucky as to know a love like the one I've known.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

there's hope for the hopeless

dear god i don't even know where to begin

that's stupid

you always start off at the beginning

on monday morning 16 of us left for what was supposed to be a great vacation filled with family and friends and laughter and so many good times

no one imagined only 15 of us would return home

no one imagined it would all lead us to one of the worst days of our lives

my side of the family consisted of my parents, my two brothers, and my half-sister, camila

i hadn't seen camila in about a year and a half, and i was dreading this family vacation because the last time she went on vacation with us had gone down as the wost vacation of my life

i love her, but i didn't always like her

my pastor's family consisted of him and his wife, their three kids, his sister in law, her husband, and their three children

16 of us total

we arrived in sarasota, florida on monday in the late aftenoon

while all the parents stayed in unpacking and cooking dinner i offered to take the kids out to the beach

the waves were pretty calm and it was mostly empty since it was a private area just for the people staying in the same condos we were in

i didn't get in

i've never been a big fan of the water

one of my reoccuring nightmares is that i die drowning

the girls, my sister, camila (8), and my pastor's nieces, stephane (10) and sara (12), stayed near me all the time

they wanted to go to the pool but the boys wanted to stay in the beach and i didn't want to leave them

they were deeper in but i didn't feel too nervous watching over all of them because my brother, bryan (18) and my pastor's son, eli (15), were keeping an eye out for the younger boys, my little brother, erik (11), eli's two younger brothers, jonathan (8) and josue (11), and steph's and sara's little brother, daniel (8), too

when it started getting darker our parents called us in to eat and we all gathered in my family's suite for the first great night of what we all thought would be many

that night it stormed through the entire night

when we woke up in the morning the sky was grey and filled with rain clouds

after we had breakfast all together again we packed bags to head down to the beach for a few hours

we figured we would stay out there for a while until the rain drew us back in

i headed out before everyone else with the three small girls and we were getting ready to built sand castles while we waited for everyone else to get there when i see my dad walk out

he comes up to us and says the waved were too angry and he didn't want us getting in that day

the girls were all too excited to finally head on over to the pool, where my dad said the boys were at already

as we're walking back he tells me that he and my mom, along with the pastor are taking his wife to the hospital

she's a few weeks pregnant - 6 if i'm not mistaken - and she was bleeding profusely

her sister, jaqueline, and her husband, elias, were going to stay back with all the children at the pool but jackie decided to go with her sister at the last minute

after hours of waiting they all finally come back and the doctor's said the baby and my pastor's wife, paola, were stable for now

she has a 50/50 chance of either carrying the baby full term or suffering a miscarriage, but prayers and good thoughts are being sent their way at all times

the doctor just told her to rest a lot and if the heavy bleeding started back up again she was to return to the hospital

once the commotion of the day started to wear off again we all sat down to my dad's special quesadillas that people always beg him to make

by this time we weren't sure if we would end up leaving sooner than we planned, but i went ahead and cancelled a lunch date i had with one of my sorority sisters for this thursday morning

she was going to drive 45 minutes just to eat with me but i didn't want to cancel on her at the absolute last minute so i went ahead and told her all of this after it happened late tuesday night

wednesday, yesterday, everyone seemed to be in good spirits

we all gathered again by the pool in the early afternoon

my mom, paola, and jackie went up to get a start on dinner

elias, and my pastor, jose, went to the beach

they asked my dad to come with them, but he said it was too dirty from the storm monday night so he was just going to stay in the pool and maybe catch up with them later

when the little boys saw them heading off they all wanted to follow

stephanie and sara weren't big fans of the salty water but their dad convinced them to come along

camila wanted to go too but my dad said no but as she was getting back into the pool stephanie yells back that her mom had just walked on to the beach as well so my dad said it was okay for my sister to go

at this point i'm still in the pool with bryan, my dad and eli and my mom and paola were back in our suite getting dinner ready while everyone else was out on the beach

maybe not even thirty minutes later my pastor comes back to the pool with a group of kids, everyone except for sara who had stayed with her parents in the water

they all said my dad was right about the water being too dirty

maybe five minutes after that my mom comes down with some stuff for my dad and the pastor to put on the grills right by the pool

they had just turned on the grill when at a distance we hear loud crying

sara was screaming and running torwards us

"my parents are drowning"

at this point she had slipped on the wet cement and all she could do was point off into the distance while she tried to catch her breath in between sobs

it all happened so fast

as we all jumped out of the pool almost half of us slipped on the same pavement that sara did

nobody stopped to look at injuries

everyone got right back up and kept running

i think someone even slipped twice

i don't know - i'm not sure

we ran and ran until we arrived at the beach area right infront of our hotel, but they had apparently gotten in further down the shore line in a little area of the beach that wasn't filled with trash

god why didn't they think things through

there was obviously no trash there because instead of the waves pushing the trash out to the shore, in that area they were pulling it all in further into the sea

half way there i stopped running

sara was begging me to take her inside

she didn't want to see any of it anymore

eli runs back to where i was and tells me to take all the children, but not back to any of the rooms

his mom was still up there and after her almost miscarriage from the day before they weren't sure how to let her know what was going on

as all the other younger kids were coming back to where sara and i were standing with her younger brother and sister, i look off into where a group of people are pulling a limp body up on shore

as we're walking back to the pool the 911 help from all the calls they received started to arrive

i try to calm all the kids down, but especially sara

her little heart was beating so fast

she said she was caught in the same wave with them

she was able to swim and get out because she had some type of board

she thinks it took her about ten minutes to finally reach shore

she said her dad was trying to get himself and her mom out

she said her mom couldn't swim

her dad kept on yelling for help the entire time

her mom wasn't yelling at all

about ten minutes later bryan and eli head back to the pool

they said they were taking jackie to the hospital and that's all they knew

my mom heads over to us and tells us to give her a few minutes alone with jackie's sister while they all go and try to explain what had just happened

the pastor, my dad and elias head out to the hospital

a police officer comes over to bryan, eli and i and asks us to give him names and numbers and addresses and relationships

then he talked to sara to get her point of view of everything

she could barely get a sentence out before she started crying again

after she's done he just tells her to say a prayer for her mom

he then pulls bryan and i to the side since we were the only adults there at the time and he tells us he couldn't give us any information but that things didn't look good

he asks us if any of us saw jackie after everything that happened and as i shook my head no bryan nodded his

he then says to bryan "then you know what i mean by that"

again, bryan just nods his head

when he leaves i ask bryan what that meant

he say that they tried cpr, but that when the paramedics were taking her off, jackie didn;t have a pulse

my mom comes and takes us all back upstairs to eat

we all tried to stomach some food, but sara was the only one who didn't even touch her plate

my mom tells us to stay together while she goes back next door and makes sure paola is doing alright

a few minutes later my mom comes back in and i look up at her

with tears in her eyes she shakes her head

i follow her back into her bedroom and she says my dad had just let her know

the doctors tried everything but nothing worked

the men were on their way back

we were to wait on them to tell everyone else the news

the pastor and my mom and dad went in to tell paola her sister didn't make it

elias came into our suite where all his kids were watching tv

bryan, erik, camilla and i were in my parents' bedroom

"why does this have to happen to us"

"i hate this place"

"i hate the beach"

"i want to go back to georgia"

"she's in heaven with grandpa"
"we'll see her soon"

"i miss her"

"i want mom"

but one thing completely broke me

in between crying and screaming and sobbing and yelling i could hear sara tell her brother and sister "we have to thank god. all three of us could have died but i got out and dad got out. we have to be strong."

i can barely stand my own pain but i can't even begin to imagine theirs

we miss you so much already, jackie

all of us who knew you promise to shower your three beautiful children with so much love

i can't believe this is all real

i wish it was a nightmare

the car ride last night was awful

when you're in a van with 15 people, half of them under 12, for ten hours, and no one says a single word, you would almost gladly trade it in for hours of kicking and screaming and crying

i had to write this all down

i can't let myself ever foget any of it

as much as i want to, i can't ever forget

Friday, June 29, 2012

(500) days of summer

It's actually 11 right now so I guess that means that in about 5 seconds I'll look up and it'll be 1 AM, right?

Baby Cousin Steven and his mom came over for dinner today. We Skyped with some family in Guatemala and it was nice. They got to see me chase the baby up and down for almost an hour until he fell asleep in my arms. I set him down on one of the couches and joined my aunt and uncle at the table. My parents had already gone off to church and I didn't feel well so I stayed behind.

I asked my aunt if she wanted any more children and she said no. I asked her how that was even possible and if she was 100% sure. She said there was absolutely no way she'd ever change her mind.

My aunt came here about six years ago. Her and her brothe found stable jobs. She fell in love for the first time at 30 years old with one of her co-workers. The douche knocked her up and then went back to his country. A few months after Baby Cousin Steven was born, his father already had another kid on the way.  Both my aunt and her sweet baby deserve so much better and my heart breaks for the woman who always longed for her knight in shining armor.

She says the reason why she doesn't want more children is because on her own she would not be able to give them all the life she's want for them. With Steven alone, she's able to buy him the best of everything. All of the baby's things are top notch products from the best baby lines there are. She doesn't want to stay here much longer, because she wants him to go to the best private schools in Guatemala, where they'd be close to her parents and the rest of her family, and where she can easily finish off her Masters and make the kind of living she dreams about for the both of them a reality.

This led ud to start talking about me and my education.

She told me about the career she was planning to persue. I don't remember the exact name, but I know that it'll make her good money, and that's why she loves and wants to do it so much.

I told her that that's exactly why I went into business, because that's where the big time money is, but that two years into it I was misserable and that I absolutely needd to think about a new career path.

I told her I knew I wanted to work with children, and that I believed my life purpose was to help as many of them as I possibly could in some sort of way.

And she told me that that is most definitely not what I should be doing.

She says that helping thy neighbor is nice in theory and that charity is good, but that wasn't going to get me anywhere.

She says that someone like me, who likes to spend and be spoiled, needs money to be happy.

And even though I want her to be wrong with every single fiber of my being because that is not the type of person I want to be, I don't think she is.

She said that instead of thinking about children I don't even know, I should worry about my parents. She said that eveything I have I owe to them, which is something that is completely true and I've never denied. I told her this. But she said that I wasn't getting it. She said that someone like me, a twenty year old young woman who's never needed for anything, would not make it in the real world.

She said that if I went into something that involves taking care of other people, I wouldn't be able to take care of myself.

And I can't even be mad at her for turning my whole life plan, or what I had thought through so far, upside down because, dammit, she gave me so much to think about.

As much as I know God will always have my back, as much as I believe that everything will always be okay, this world is a cold, hard place.

Money isn't everything, but fuck if it isn't important.

But being able to walk into Saks and buy things without looking at price tags won't give my life purpose.

I've always dreamed of building my mom her dream house. And buying my dad his dream car.

Giving my money away won't help me do that.

But what the hell, my mom has a house! Two actually. Three if you count the one her and my dad co-own in Guatemala. Four if you count the one that's just under his name, because what's his is hers and vice-versa. And my dad drives a huge Cadillac Escalade. He owns his own company. He runs multiple small businesses in Guatemala from here.

They're fine.

They'll always be fine.

They'll survive if I don't grow up to be a millionaire.

And as I was telling all of this to my aunt, she said it didn't matter, because as much as I owed being the most successful person I could possibly be to myself, I owed it even more to my father.

My father who pays for my private university education.

My father who pays for the roof over my head and the clothes on my back and the food on my table.

My father who wakes up each day after two back surgeries that have him on pain medication for the rest of his life that can only numb his physical pain because he has a responsibility to his wife and kids.

My father who came to this country like millions before him in the hopes of a better future.

My father who couldn't finish school because his family couldn't afford it.

My father whose familiy consisted of his grandparents and their children, because neither one of his birth parents wanted a child at the moment.

My father who came from nothing but now has so much.

And no matter how much of a name and a good life both of my parents had made for themselves, whatever I did for them would never be enough.

And that's what she says needs to motivate me to see a career through that not only will allow me indulgences, but will do more than enough to provide and make sure my parents are always taken care of like I want them to be.

She says I'm smart and I have everything going for myself. She says I'm young and it's okay to make mistakes but that I need to figure things out soon.

As if I wasn't confused enough about my life and where it was going before.

I just looked down at the time.

It really took me an hour and a half to write this?

It probably doesn't even cover half of what was discussed over hot dogs and Coke at the dinner table tonight.