wake me up

i cannot stand anything today

nothing

no one

nope

and no fucks were given

into the wild

I'm constantly amazed by the people I've chosen to surround myself with. Their words, their love, their simple existence does more for me than I think I'll ever be able to do for anyone else.

My sisters are downstairs singing happy birthday to one of our new members. I can hear the genuine happiness in their voices and it makes me cry.

how old is your soul

 

Stressed.
Depressed.
But still well dressed.

That will be my life this upcoming week.

Recruitment is about to start and by next weekend I'll have new sorority sisters. God, I can't wait. I need this. It's scary-weird to think about how in just a few days I'll meet girls that I won't be able to imagine my life without.

I've started my internship at PATH Academy, a charter school just around the corner from mine, and I've only been there twice but I'm already in love with it all. Everyone has been so nice and welcoming and I truly believe that I can make a difference, even if it's a small one, during my time there.

This past week was real rough and I've already managed to make a mess out of some things.

I'm always tired.

It's been way too easy to stay in bed and sleep through classes.

I see myself wanting to slip into old habits, but this year has to be different.

I'll get there.

One foot in front of the other...


I'm back home tonight.

These walls are always welcoming and warm.

These people are always kind and good.

And this is why I keep going.

Because a million things can go wrong, but nothing will ever be as right as what I have here.

Tonight as I go to sleep, I'll pray that others may be so lucky as to know a love like the one I've known.

strong enough

http://www.lbknews.com/2012/07/20/rip-current-claims-mom-of-three/

there's hope for the hopeless

dear god i don't even know where to begin

that's stupid

you always start off at the beginning

on monday morning 16 of us left for what was supposed to be a great vacation filled with family and friends and laughter and so many good times

no one imagined only 15 of us would return home

no one imagined it would all lead us to one of the worst days of our lives

my side of the family consisted of my parents, my two brothers, and my half-sister, camila

i hadn't seen camila in about a year and a half, and i was dreading this family vacation because the last time she went on vacation with us had gone down as the wost vacation of my life

i love her, but i didn't always like her

my pastor's family consisted of him and his wife, their three kids, his sister in law, her husband, and their three children

16 of us total

we arrived in sarasota, florida on monday in the late aftenoon

while all the parents stayed in unpacking and cooking dinner i offered to take the kids out to the beach

the waves were pretty calm and it was mostly empty since it was a private area just for the people staying in the same condos we were in

i didn't get in

i've never been a big fan of the water

one of my reoccuring nightmares is that i die drowning

the girls, my sister, camila (8), and my pastor's nieces, stephane (10) and sara (12), stayed near me all the time

they wanted to go to the pool but the boys wanted to stay in the beach and i didn't want to leave them

they were deeper in but i didn't feel too nervous watching over all of them because my brother, bryan (18) and my pastor's son, eli (15), were keeping an eye out for the younger boys, my little brother, erik (11), eli's two younger brothers, jonathan (8) and josue (11), and steph's and sara's little brother, daniel (8), too

when it started getting darker our parents called us in to eat and we all gathered in my family's suite for the first great night of what we all thought would be many

that night it stormed through the entire night

when we woke up in the morning the sky was grey and filled with rain clouds

after we had breakfast all together again we packed bags to head down to the beach for a few hours

we figured we would stay out there for a while until the rain drew us back in

i headed out before everyone else with the three small girls and we were getting ready to built sand castles while we waited for everyone else to get there when i see my dad walk out

he comes up to us and says the waved were too angry and he didn't want us getting in that day

the girls were all too excited to finally head on over to the pool, where my dad said the boys were at already

as we're walking back he tells me that he and my mom, along with the pastor are taking his wife to the hospital

she's a few weeks pregnant - 6 if i'm not mistaken - and she was bleeding profusely

her sister, jaqueline, and her husband, elias, were going to stay back with all the children at the pool but jackie decided to go with her sister at the last minute

after hours of waiting they all finally come back and the doctor's said the baby and my pastor's wife, paola, were stable for now

she has a 50/50 chance of either carrying the baby full term or suffering a miscarriage, but prayers and good thoughts are being sent their way at all times

the doctor just told her to rest a lot and if the heavy bleeding started back up again she was to return to the hospital

once the commotion of the day started to wear off again we all sat down to my dad's special quesadillas that people always beg him to make

by this time we weren't sure if we would end up leaving sooner than we planned, but i went ahead and cancelled a lunch date i had with one of my sorority sisters for this thursday morning

she was going to drive 45 minutes just to eat with me but i didn't want to cancel on her at the absolute last minute so i went ahead and told her all of this after it happened late tuesday night

wednesday, yesterday, everyone seemed to be in good spirits

we all gathered again by the pool in the early afternoon

my mom, paola, and jackie went up to get a start on dinner

elias, and my pastor, jose, went to the beach

they asked my dad to come with them, but he said it was too dirty from the storm monday night so he was just going to stay in the pool and maybe catch up with them later

when the little boys saw them heading off they all wanted to follow

stephanie and sara weren't big fans of the salty water but their dad convinced them to come along

camila wanted to go too but my dad said no but as she was getting back into the pool stephanie yells back that her mom had just walked on to the beach as well so my dad said it was okay for my sister to go

at this point i'm still in the pool with bryan, my dad and eli and my mom and paola were back in our suite getting dinner ready while everyone else was out on the beach

maybe not even thirty minutes later my pastor comes back to the pool with a group of kids, everyone except for sara who had stayed with her parents in the water

they all said my dad was right about the water being too dirty

maybe five minutes after that my mom comes down with some stuff for my dad and the pastor to put on the grills right by the pool

they had just turned on the grill when at a distance we hear loud crying

sara was screaming and running torwards us

"my parents are drowning"

at this point she had slipped on the wet cement and all she could do was point off into the distance while she tried to catch her breath in between sobs

it all happened so fast

as we all jumped out of the pool almost half of us slipped on the same pavement that sara did

nobody stopped to look at injuries

everyone got right back up and kept running

i think someone even slipped twice

i don't know - i'm not sure

we ran and ran until we arrived at the beach area right infront of our hotel, but they had apparently gotten in further down the shore line in a little area of the beach that wasn't filled with trash

god why didn't they think things through

there was obviously no trash there because instead of the waves pushing the trash out to the shore, in that area they were pulling it all in further into the sea

half way there i stopped running

sara was begging me to take her inside

she didn't want to see any of it anymore

eli runs back to where i was and tells me to take all the children, but not back to any of the rooms

his mom was still up there and after her almost miscarriage from the day before they weren't sure how to let her know what was going on

as all the other younger kids were coming back to where sara and i were standing with her younger brother and sister, i look off into where a group of people are pulling a limp body up on shore

as we're walking back to the pool the 911 help from all the calls they received started to arrive

i try to calm all the kids down, but especially sara

her little heart was beating so fast

she said she was caught in the same wave with them

she was able to swim and get out because she had some type of board

she thinks it took her about ten minutes to finally reach shore

she said her dad was trying to get himself and her mom out

she said her mom couldn't swim

her dad kept on yelling for help the entire time

her mom wasn't yelling at all

about ten minutes later bryan and eli head back to the pool

they said they were taking jackie to the hospital and that's all they knew

my mom heads over to us and tells us to give her a few minutes alone with jackie's sister while they all go and try to explain what had just happened

the pastor, my dad and elias head out to the hospital

a police officer comes over to bryan, eli and i and asks us to give him names and numbers and addresses and relationships

then he talked to sara to get her point of view of everything

she could barely get a sentence out before she started crying again

after she's done he just tells her to say a prayer for her mom

he then pulls bryan and i to the side since we were the only adults there at the time and he tells us he couldn't give us any information but that things didn't look good

he asks us if any of us saw jackie after everything that happened and as i shook my head no bryan nodded his

he then says to bryan "then you know what i mean by that"

again, bryan just nods his head

when he leaves i ask bryan what that meant

he say that they tried cpr, but that when the paramedics were taking her off, jackie didn;t have a pulse

my mom comes and takes us all back upstairs to eat

we all tried to stomach some food, but sara was the only one who didn't even touch her plate

my mom tells us to stay together while she goes back next door and makes sure paola is doing alright

a few minutes later my mom comes back in and i look up at her

with tears in her eyes she shakes her head

i follow her back into her bedroom and she says my dad had just let her know

the doctors tried everything but nothing worked

the men were on their way back

we were to wait on them to tell everyone else the news

the pastor and my mom and dad went in to tell paola her sister didn't make it

elias came into our suite where all his kids were watching tv

bryan, erik, camilla and i were in my parents' bedroom

"why does this have to happen to us"

"i hate this place"

"i hate the beach"

"i want to go back to georgia"

"she's in heaven with grandpa"
"we'll see her soon"

"i miss her"

"i want mom"

but one thing completely broke me

in between crying and screaming and sobbing and yelling i could hear sara tell her brother and sister "we have to thank god. all three of us could have died but i got out and dad got out. we have to be strong."

i can barely stand my own pain but i can't even begin to imagine theirs

we miss you so much already, jackie

all of us who knew you promise to shower your three beautiful children with so much love

i can't believe this is all real

i wish it was a nightmare

the car ride last night was awful

when you're in a van with 15 people, half of them under 12, for ten hours, and no one says a single word, you would almost gladly trade it in for hours of kicking and screaming and crying

i had to write this all down

i can't let myself ever foget any of it

as much as i want to, i can't ever forget

(500) days of summer

It's actually 11 right now so I guess that means that in about 5 seconds I'll look up and it'll be 1 AM, right?

Baby Cousin Steven and his mom came over for dinner today. We Skyped with some family in Guatemala and it was nice. They got to see me chase the baby up and down for almost an hour until he fell asleep in my arms. I set him down on one of the couches and joined my aunt and uncle at the table. My parents had already gone off to church and I didn't feel well so I stayed behind.

I asked my aunt if she wanted any more children and she said no. I asked her how that was even possible and if she was 100% sure. She said there was absolutely no way she'd ever change her mind.

My aunt came here about six years ago. Her and her brothe found stable jobs. She fell in love for the first time at 30 years old with one of her co-workers. The douche knocked her up and then went back to his country. A few months after Baby Cousin Steven was born, his father already had another kid on the way.  Both my aunt and her sweet baby deserve so much better and my heart breaks for the woman who always longed for her knight in shining armor.

She says the reason why she doesn't want more children is because on her own she would not be able to give them all the life she's want for them. With Steven alone, she's able to buy him the best of everything. All of the baby's things are top notch products from the best baby lines there are. She doesn't want to stay here much longer, because she wants him to go to the best private schools in Guatemala, where they'd be close to her parents and the rest of her family, and where she can easily finish off her Masters and make the kind of living she dreams about for the both of them a reality.

This led ud to start talking about me and my education.

She told me about the career she was planning to persue. I don't remember the exact name, but I know that it'll make her good money, and that's why she loves and wants to do it so much.

I told her that that's exactly why I went into business, because that's where the big time money is, but that two years into it I was misserable and that I absolutely needd to think about a new career path.

I told her I knew I wanted to work with children, and that I believed my life purpose was to help as many of them as I possibly could in some sort of way.

And she told me that that is most definitely not what I should be doing.

She says that helping thy neighbor is nice in theory and that charity is good, but that wasn't going to get me anywhere.

She says that someone like me, who likes to spend and be spoiled, needs money to be happy.

And even though I want her to be wrong with every single fiber of my being because that is not the type of person I want to be, I don't think she is.

She said that instead of thinking about children I don't even know, I should worry about my parents. She said that eveything I have I owe to them, which is something that is completely true and I've never denied. I told her this. But she said that I wasn't getting it. She said that someone like me, a twenty year old young woman who's never needed for anything, would not make it in the real world.

She said that if I went into something that involves taking care of other people, I wouldn't be able to take care of myself.

And I can't even be mad at her for turning my whole life plan, or what I had thought through so far, upside down because, dammit, she gave me so much to think about.

As much as I know God will always have my back, as much as I believe that everything will always be okay, this world is a cold, hard place.

Money isn't everything, but fuck if it isn't important.

But being able to walk into Saks and buy things without looking at price tags won't give my life purpose.

I've always dreamed of building my mom her dream house. And buying my dad his dream car.

Giving my money away won't help me do that.

But what the hell, my mom has a house! Two actually. Three if you count the one her and my dad co-own in Guatemala. Four if you count the one that's just under his name, because what's his is hers and vice-versa. And my dad drives a huge Cadillac Escalade. He owns his own company. He runs multiple small businesses in Guatemala from here.

They're fine.

They'll always be fine.

They'll survive if I don't grow up to be a millionaire.

And as I was telling all of this to my aunt, she said it didn't matter, because as much as I owed being the most successful person I could possibly be to myself, I owed it even more to my father.

My father who pays for my private university education.

My father who pays for the roof over my head and the clothes on my back and the food on my table.

My father who wakes up each day after two back surgeries that have him on pain medication for the rest of his life that can only numb his physical pain because he has a responsibility to his wife and kids.

My father who came to this country like millions before him in the hopes of a better future.

My father who couldn't finish school because his family couldn't afford it.

My father whose familiy consisted of his grandparents and their children, because neither one of his birth parents wanted a child at the moment.

My father who came from nothing but now has so much.

And no matter how much of a name and a good life both of my parents had made for themselves, whatever I did for them would never be enough.

And that's what she says needs to motivate me to see a career through that not only will allow me indulgences, but will do more than enough to provide and make sure my parents are always taken care of like I want them to be.

She says I'm smart and I have everything going for myself. She says I'm young and it's okay to make mistakes but that I need to figure things out soon.

As if I wasn't confused enough about my life and where it was going before.

I just looked down at the time.

It really took me an hour and a half to write this?

It probably doesn't even cover half of what was discussed over hot dogs and Coke at the dinner table tonight.

Jesus.

a smooth sea never made a skillful sailor

It's 1 AM and I swear it was just 11 like 5 seconds ago only it really wasn't so maybe I shouldn't swear it was.
I've been thinking a lot about my relationships with different people and how much they've changed in just one year.
I remember thinking I'd had many best friends before. I've never lacked quality friendships and people in my life. But I was sure my three best friends from freshmen year would be with me always. I was sure that when life naturally pulled us apart, we'd still make time for each other, even if it was a phone call every now and then.

And even though thinking about this makes me sad in the sense that I still love each one of them very much and they'll always have a very special place in my heart no matter how distant we have managed to grow, this has all been a life lesson of sorts.
Find happiness within yourself and whatnot.

i need the sea because it teaches me

Life has been pretty great.

When I visited my doctor about, what, a little over a week ago, he put me back on Ambien. I had been off of it for almost a month. The first night I started taking it again I actually had hallucinations. I don't remember much except reaching over for my phone at like 4 AM crying my eyes out and calling my dad. My mom slept with me and she says it took me a few minutes to calm down. They asked me what was wrong and I told them that my walls looked like they were melting. And that the Christmas lights that hang over my headboard looked like they were shooting off fireworks. And that all of my dresses were falling off of their hangers. And my lamp looked like a person who wouldn't stop staring at me. I do remember them telling me to close my eyes, but I wouldn't listen. As scared as I remember feeling, I also remember that I knew none of it was real.

Since then I haven't been taking it everyday. I don't want to become addicted to sleeping pills and my doctor says I can choose to take them only when I think I need them. For example, I feel completely and utterly exhausted today, so I'm pretty sure I won't need an Ambien's help to fall asleep at a reasonable hour.

My family and I left along with two of our pastors and their families for a little vacation on Monday. We went to Myrtle Beach in South Carolina and it was absolutely beautiful. The first resort we stayed in was my favorite. We ended up staying in two different places because we were planning on coming home Thursday, but then decided to stay an extra day, and by the time we went to book our rooms for another night, they were already taken. The second place we stayed in was on the same street, and had better pools and amenities than the first, but the view from the living room on the 9th floor of The Camelot stole my heart. I'll hopefully get around to uploading the pictures soon. There aren't really many interesting stories to tell about this trip as opposed to my last trip to a beach with Karen for Spring Break, but this trip was filled with tons of good, wholesome family fun. If I had to pick a favorite moment I think I'd go with the night we walked back down to our hotel, but instead of walking down the crazy, tourist filled street, we walked on the beach. Walking a mile in sand is hard stuff, but I'd look to my left and see all these tall buildings with lights and windows and people, then look to my right and see this endless darkness and stars while cold waves lapped at my feet.

I have another doctor's appointment on Monday. He says some of my tests from my check-up came back negative, so he wants to talk to me in person. I also have to make an appointment with some sort of specialist for some ultrasounds.

For some reason. I'm not scared. I guess everything is kind of hinting to the fact that there is something wrong with me physically, but I'm ready to face whatever it is. Maybe it's something that can be easily fixed. I don't think worrying before I have to is wise. I'll go to my appointment and I'll go to the specialist and we can all go from there.

My pastor said something during last night's service. He said that while sitting in the sand earlier this week he asked himself why we drown in a river of difficulties when we have a sea full of blessings.

I think the power of that statement is kind of lost in translation, but those words really resonated with me.

i fell in love with the world in you

I am depressed.

Not in a, "I'm just so sad" kind of way, but more like, "I am actually clinically depressed."

And that's what I've been avoiding talking about. Or writing about. But I can't avoid thinking about it.

I hate the label.

I hate that whenever I would hear that word before, the first thing that would come to mind were people who would purposefully hurt themselves or people who've lived really traumatic lives. And I hate it so much because now that I'm associated with that word, I know that's not the case because I am neither one of those kinds of people, and I wonder if others will have those thoughts about me when they find out.

It's not like I'm planning to make some sort of grand announcement. I'm definitely done posting the links to my new blog entries on Facebook. Outside of my parents and my brothers, I've only told 4 other people - 3 of my sorority sisters and my best friend. And actually, I asked my mom to be the one to tell my dad. For some reason I didn't want to say the words to him. And with Bryan and Erik it was a very casual thing. They asked me what was in the bag and I told them it was medicine and they asked what kind so I answered that too and that was that.

My mom's the one who took me to the doctor.

I had been complaining of lower back pain for about a month. One night while I was at school it was really intense. People started telling me that it could possibly be my kidneys, so I freaked out. Heather hugged me while I cried a little bit and called her mom, who is a nurse. She took me to the store and we bought a few things and after trying some stuff out and sleeping on a proper bed that night, I woke up the next morning feeling a lot better. The pain was still there, but it wasn't as bad.

So I'm waiting at the doctor's office and they call my name. I usually get my mom to come in with me because I'm actually a child stuck in a woman's body. But this time I asked her if she could wait outside. So after a few tests the doctor said that everything looked fine. He told me that it could have possibly been an infection of some sort that had ran it's course, but he would send the sample off to the lab just to double check. Thankfully, a few days after that, the back pain went away completely. I think it had a lot to do with sleeping on a couch when I would stay at school, but yeah.

So there I was about to leave and he asks me if I have any other questions or concerns.

I kept on thinking, "It's now or never, Karen."

I was apprehensive to talk to him, because not only is he my entire family's doctor, but he's also one of my dad's very good friends. They're so close that he actually lets us borrow his BEACH FRONT MANSION in Florida every now and then. Yeah, no big deal or anything.

And I know he had to abide by doctor-patient confidentiality and all of that jazz, but still.

I think I said something along the lines of, "...I-I think there might, umm...I think there's something wro-wrong with...um, me."

And the next thing I know, I was telling him every thought and feeling and emotion that had led me to this conclusion. I just rambled on and on and I let it all out.

And I told him that I had no idea where all of it was coming from.

I have such a good life. I am surrounded by so much love. I've never known true hardships. I've never lacked care or attention.

"So why do I feel like this? It doesn't make sense! Why do I feel...stuck?"

And he explained all these different things to me about how sometimes there's a chemical imbalance in people's brains that makes them feel a certain way or how sometimes even the smallest changes trigger emotions.

And what I basically walked away with after that conversation was that I didn't need to try to make sense of it anymore. There was a problem. I recognized it. I decided I wanted to get help. So now I was going to fix it.

In a more literal sense, I also walked away with two different prescriptions. One was for a sleeping pill and one was the anti-depressant. I was on the sleeping pill for ten days, and they were supposedly going to regulate my sleeping habits. They were nice because I would pop one in at around midnight, and be completely knocked out in 15 minutes tops. But as soon as I stopped taking them, my sleeping habits actually got worse. The other night (day) I didn't go to bed until 10 AM! Like, no, Karen. That's when you're supposed to wake up, Karen. So I'm totally going to talk to him about that tomorrow during my follow-up visit. I'm going to be on the other medication for at least 6 months. He said after that we'd see if I felt ready to slowly come off of it, or if I needed to continue on it or maybe even try something different all together. The problem with this is that if I calculated right, this would be around the time of midterms, and I don' think it would be very smart of me to go off of anti-depressants during midterms. Hopefully my doctor agrees and if we both think I'm ready to be done with my happy pills, I think the safest bet would be to try going off of them during Christmas break once I'm done with finals and have the time off of school.

He told me that the next time he saw me, he wanted to see a big smile on my face (since I'd spent a good thirty minutes crying my eyes out with him that day).

So I'll go in to see him tomorrow, and he'll ask me if I feel different, or any better, and I'll say that I do, because that's the truth. I think I'll probably notice a more significant difference once school starts again, because even though I said I didn't want to try and pinpoint this to something specific anymore, school was without a doubt a big part of it.

There's this quote about how just because other people have bigger problems than you, it doesn't mean that yours don't matter.

Try as I might, I can't help but feel a little guilty. There are children who are starving all over the world. Kids who go to bed cold. Who don't have a home or a family. People who've been abused. People who are sick. Dying. Hurting.

I've been handed everything. I've lacked nothing.

Within the last month that I've been on medication, the same questions that I asked my doctor that day have popped into my head repeatedly. And again, I know I said I was done trying to make sense of it all, but still.

"Why do I feel like this? It doesn't make sense! Why do I feel...stuck?"

And my heart breaks for these people who have it worse than me. I cry for the children that face situations that I pray to God I'll never know anything about.

But I think about that quote. And I think that I shouldn't be so quick to invalidate what I'm going through, even if I don't understand it, it's real and it's happening.

And I hope to get better soon. Not that I'm completely broken or anything. I know there are good days and bad days for everyone. But I just want to regain my, I don't know...spark? Whatever it is that I lost, I want it back. I want to be motivated and passionate about life and everything that pertains to it because most days life is so overwhelmingly beautiful that I can cry tears of joy just thinking about everything good that exists in this wonderful world.

So weather it's 6 months, or a year or perhaps even longer than that, I'm going to leave this little thing called depression behind. This little thing that thinks it can constantly bring me down, this little thing that wants to beat me, won't.

And I won't be ashamed of it. I won't be embarrassed by it.

Because one day I will have kicked this little thing's ass so far back into my past that thinking about it won't even phase me anymore.

Just as simply as putting one foot in front of the other, I'll move away from it all one day.

wait for me

Today is the 13th day I try to write about a specific topic, but the words don't come out. Or they do, but I don't like the way they read. Or maybe I don't like the information I'm trying to share. This is so vague. I've also tried starting a journal, where the words would be safe and just for me. But what I want to express won't flow there either. These last 13 days have been filled with every sort of emotion there exists. I've been angry and happy and guilty and sad and frustrated and motivated and up and down and here and there. I think I'm going to learn a lot about myself this summer. I've kind of secluded myself from the outside world a bit, in an attempt to figure some stuff out. But that's not how I really want to spend the next two months, or any significantly large part of my life. I think I have the ability to be at such a good point in my life right now, that I need to make the most of it, if that makes sense. I hate my blogging voice. I keep on wondering if this is how I actually sound like in real life, and then reaching the conclusion that it must be really annoying to listen to me talk. It's midnight and I'm so tired already. I don't think I'd be any more coherent with or without sleep, but I've learned that sleep is my friend. My last all nighter wasn't school related, and as beautiful as that is, so is waking up so early in the morning that nothing good is on TV yet so I just lay in bed rereading my favorite books.

and all i loved i loved alone

"One day I will find the right words, and they will be simple."
- Jack Kerouac

i want to linger a little longer here with you

All of the feelings.

ALL OF THEM.

Tonight was Senior Send On. Every Tri-Sigma senior writes a beautiful letter or will of things they would like to leave the rest of the chapter. Most of the items are cute little things like humor or sass or things of that nature. Others are actual physical objects like cardboard cutouts of Edward Cullen.

My Big is the best.

It's safe to assume I cried throughout the entire night.

All of our seniors are such beautiful people. I don't want them to leave, but I understand how time works. Their time here is up. They need to move and accomplish bigger and better things out there wherever there is. I wish I could keep them forever, because I'm selfish, but now is as good a time as any to practice the art of sharing.

It's going to be weird not being greeted by one of Melinda's kisses on the cheek on a regular basis.

I can't believe how proud I am of Liz and the person she is. She's so loving and caring and I'm glad she only lives 9 exits away from me.

My cute little LeeAnn who left me everything. Ugh, she's such a beautiful person. I wish we could have spent more time together here, but I'll always cherish the moments we shared.

Sarah, who is quite possibly the happiest person I know. So much of that girl's life revolves around making others smile. She's the best.

Whitney seriously needs to keep on singing and playing the flute and upload the videos on YouTube or something, because I love watching her on stage, and I'm glad I was able to go to her last concert here.

There's also Marlena, who's always been nothing but sweet with me. I plan on making frequent visits to her place to watch Grey's Anatomy episodes and eat all of her yummy food. All of it.

Chelsea is such a bad ass. I love and admire her so much, I'm also proud of her and the transformation she went through right before all of our eyes.

Oh, Lisa. My beautiful, Lisa. She is one of my role models. There are few people I feel I can trust completely, and she is definitely one of them. I want to be as understanding and noble and she is one day. She is such a rock. I don't even want to try to begin to accept the fact that she won't be here next year.

And lastly, my Big, Becca. I have a copy of her will and I keep on rereading it and the tears won't stop. I don't think she'll ever really know what she means to me. I don't like writing about it because no words will ever do my feelings and love justice.

After chapter a bunch of us went to Starbucks and I kind of wanted to cry some more at how much I love each of the women that were crowded around our little table.

Sometimes I don't understand how I got to be so lucky. I'm surrounded by the best people out there - I'm sure of it.

The year is almost over. I have finals and papers and projects due left and right throughout the week.

This is really happening. We're in the final stretch.

Once again, all of the feelings. ALL OF THEM.

the finals are coming! the finals are coming!

and miles to go before i sleep

I woke up at home, and after I packed a bag my mom dropped me off at school. Khadija and I then took Sherry to RuSans, this really funky sushi place I have come to love. After that Sherry and I went on an adventure. I took her to Atlantic Station. At Bath and Body Works she told me to try some hand sanitizer and after she squirted a good amount onto my hands we realized it was soap. Then at Dillards I told her to smell my favorite Juicy Couture perfume, and as she leaned in to smell the bottle tip, I squirted some into her mouth. When we were driving back, we hit a bird. Or, it hit us. It was kind of suicidal and ran right into the windshield. Sherry and I went to our last Sigma chapter of the year. After that we went to Michelle and Natalia's place for a bit. Sistahs have a legit zen garden as their back yard. I was so jelly. The good, strawberry Smuckers kind of jelly. Sherry and I ended our bonding time by picking up loads of food at Dragon Express.

I've been dizzy throughout the day and my brain has been filled with less than pleasant thoughts here and there.

But it's okay.

We just took a midnight Kroger run for some ice cream. It's freezing outside and I walked into the store with a blanket wrapped tightly around me. I may or may not have ran up and down the ice cream aisle pretending I was a super hero. I wasn't wearing my letters though, so we're good.

Now we're back in Khadija's room watching Desperate Housewives and eating chocolate chip cookie dough frozen dairy goodness and life is good and great and grand.

for you, a thousand times over

Last night I watched The Kite Runner. It instantly became one of my favorite movies.

I've heard great things about the film and the book for a while now, so I cannot wait until I get my hands on the book and get a chance to read it.

I can already tell it will make me bawl like a baby, but that's okay, because feelings and emotions are beautiful things.

words can't...they just can't

this little light of mine

My mom is coming back into town after serving at a weekend retreat for just under a hundred new women at our church tomorrow. She is the retreat coordinator, which means she had to plan it all out perfectly. She also had to give a few of the lectures or sermons or classes or whatever they're called, so she's had her hands full for a while putting this all together.

I wasn't able to go this time, but I get to help in getting everything ready for their welcoming back tomorrow, so that's exciting.

Next month the men go out on their retreat, and my dad's coordinating that one.

It's safe to say my parents are pretty important people.

Speaking of my pops, he's preaching again tomorrow. I'm really excited for him. He's such a natural at speaking in front of crowds. Our church has about 1,000 members, but since tomorrow is a special service, we're expecting a few hundred more. There's also our local TV station which airs the services live, the church's radio station which plays the services live, and the website, where people can again, watch the services live. Putting all those numbers together, my dad's audience will be well over 2,000 people.

He's such a big deal.

On a different note, I've been baby sitting Baby Cousin Steven a lot lately. His mom has been having a hard time, so I'm more than happy to help out. It makes me extra tired, because he has 10 times the energy I remember Erik having when he was 1 year old, but that baby has me so tightly wrapped around his little finger that it's all worth it in the end.

I haven't been too attentive to my planner as of late, so it hasn't really hit me that school is almost out. I think I have like two full weeks of classes left, and then finals, and then I'm done. That's so crazy.

This summer looks like it will involve a lot more of Baby Cousin Steven in my life.

That sounds so wonderful and exhausting all at the same time.

Let's see...

I don't really have anything else to say, but I don't want to stop writing.

Oh, okay, I know!

I was reading a list a few days ago about the 10 most popular blogs for college girls. I checked them all out...OHMYGAWDTHEYWERESOSTUPID.

Like, I know that's mean and harsh and I totally shouldn't criticize other's writings or whatever because here I am writing about my not so spectacular life and who else wants to read about my day besides my family in Guatemala who can't even read English so what's the point, right?

But seriously.

Each blog had stuff like, tips on how to get rid of a hangover. And the boys you should hook up with vs. the ones you shouldn't. And how you should befriend the nerds so they can take your notes and do your homework. And just stupid crap like that.

I don't really know why they made me so angry.

Maybe because I think these are the types of blogs that belong on that list:

http://astoryasneak.wordpress.com/
http://susurratim.blogspot.com/
http://jsabree.wordpress.com/
http://forwardjanet.blogspot.com/
http://caseofthetuesdays.blogspot.com/
http://crosskitelines.blogspot.com/

I don't think I'm being biased just because I know each one of these spectacular people. I'd rather read their beautiful words than an article about how to get rid of a hickey quickly or how to hide your grades from your parents or how to learn to hold your liquor to impress people.

I promise I'm not as superficial as some tend to believe.

you is kind you is smart you is important

I started off writing about how angry I was at my parents. And through the tears my fingers were just moving all on their own and I was typing up all these things I didn't really mean and my words were coming from a place of frustration but I just needed to vent.

I tried to talk to them about school and me switching my major. And about possibly living in my sorority house next year. And about just wanting to talk to my doctor about different tests I would like to have done.

All of these are pretty heavy topics in their respective ways. And it was totally a bad idea to bring them up all at once, but at the moment my thought process made sense.

The conversation just led to me feeling like they weren't getting it. It was almost like they weren't even trying to understand where I was coming from.

So, my very mature 20 year old self stormed out of the room with big, fat tears rolling down my face.

And there I was blogging and crying and being all angst-like when my mom comes into my room and gives me a hug.

And she tells me that she loves me. And she asks me if I know that. And I tell her I do. And she asks me if I love her back. And then my heart breaks a little because if there is one thing that I know to be true in my heart of hearts it is that I have never loved anyone more than I love my mother. And I know the questions were rhetorical but I didn't like them. I just replied that yes, I do love her.

And she tells me that just like I want them to understand where I'm coming from, I have to try to understand where they are coming from too. And how both her and my dad live for Bryan, Erik, and me. She says that they'll always only want what is best for me - that they'll always be on my side. And she says that if I need help, they'll get me help. And she reminds me that there is nothing God can't do. And I believe her. And I believe in Him.

timshel

The very first thing I'm going to do after I'm done with this semester?

Reread my favorite book - East of Eden by John Steinbeck.

It's a hefty one. Weighs a lot. Very intimidating.

It usually wouldn't be the type of book I go for.

When I read because I want to and not because I'm told to, I like reading simple and pretty words.

But someone recommended this book to me, and I went out on a limb and gave it a shot.

Never have I ever read a more beautiful story.

When people ask me what my favorite book is, and I tell them, they then want to know what it is about.

I kind of have a hard time explaining it, though. There are so many elements and components to this book that it's hard to find the right words to sum it all up.

I guess my favorite thing about it, and what you could say it is mostly focused on, is the aspect that every single one of us has to face the battle between good and evil, and we have the power to choose which side we want to be associated with.

"Lee’s hand shook as he filled the delicate cups. He drank his down in one gulp. “Don’t you see?” he cried. “The American Standard translation orders men to triumph over sin, and you can call sin ignorance. The King James translation makes a promise in ‘Thou shalt,’ meaning that men will surely triumph over sin. But the Hebrew word, the word timshel—‘Thou mayest’— that gives a choice. It might be the most important word in the world. That says the way is open. That throws it right back on a man. For if ‘Thou mayest’—it is also true that ‘Thou mayest not.’ Don’t you see?”"

Ahh. Such beautiful words. I can't even begin to describe the good that this book does to my soul.

I used to know this book inside and out. I was in my Junior year of high school and almost done with East of Eden when we were assigned a critical reading project. I don't remember specifics but it was something like, write a ten page paper and have 8 sources and this amount of quotes and footnotes and more of that ridiculous nonsense. When our teacher handed out the list of books we could choose from, I felt like the luckiest girl in world. East of Eden was on that list and I quickly called dibs on it. I ended up getting an A on that assignment, and I often referenced East of Eden in many papers that followed - including my AP Literature Exam which I received college credit for.

It's been almost two years since the last time I read it front to back.

I miss it.

I need it.

Is it summer yet?

There's also a movie out. Or maybe there are a couple of versions? I'm not quite sure. But the one I want to get around to watching is the James Dean one.

I know, I know.

Be still my heart he's so pretty.

just do it

The Nike ad that touched millions of lives, including mine:

You were born a daughter.
You looked up to your mother.
You looked up to your father.
You looked up at everyone.

You wanted to be a princess.
You thought you were a princess.
You wanted to own a horse.
You wanted to be a horse.
You wanted your brother to be a horse.

You wanted to wear pink.
You never wanted to wear pink.

You wanted to be a Veterinarian.
You wanted to be President.
You wanted to be the President's Veterinarian.

You were picked last for the team.
You were the best one on the team.
You refused to be on the team.

You wanted to be good in algebra.
You hid during algebra.
You wanted the boys to notice you.
You were afraid the boys would notice you.

You started to get acne.
You started to get breasts.
You started to get acne that was bigger than your breasts.

You wouldn't wear a bra.
You couldn't wait to wear a bra.
You couldn't fit into a bra.

You didn't like the way you looked.
You didn't like the way your parents looked.
You didn't want to grow up.

You had your first best friend.
You had your first date.
You had your second best friend.

You had your second first date.
You spent hours on the telephone.
You got kissed.
You got to kiss back.

You went to the prom.
You didn't go to the prom.
You went to the prom with the wrong person.

You spent hours on the telephone.

You fell in love.
You fell in love.
You fell in love.

You lost your best friend.
You lost your other best friend.

You really fell in love.

You became a steady girlfriend.
You became a significant other.

YOU BECAME SIGNIFICANT TO YOURSELF.

Sooner or later, you start taking yourself seriously. You know when you need a break. You know when you need a rest. You know what to get worked up about and what to get rid of. And you know when it's time to take care of yourself, for yourself. To do something that makes you stronger, faster, more complete.

Because you know it's never too late to have a life. And never too late to change one.

JUST DO IT.

your soul is rooting for you

There's this thing I do every now and then where I start pulling away from the people around me.

Not entirely, but all of a sudden I feel myself wanting to be less attached.

I don't want to label it as a defense mechanism, although that's probably what it is. But yeah, maybe it isn't. I'm not necessarily like, "Oh, I don't want to get close to people because they'll just hurt me and leave me and blah blah blah." No. The people I've loved the most have never left me. Maybe it's because they're my parents and my brothers, so they're kind of stuck with me.

I just can't quite put my finger on it.

I don't understand why I'm doing this now.

I mean, come on Karen! The semester is almost over. You should be enjoying this last month with all your sisters and friends. Your timing sucks, girl.

Maybe I'm not as complex as I like to think I am and it is totally a defense mechanism.

Maybe it's like I'm starting to slowly prepare myself for all the good-byes I'll have to endure in the next few weeks so they won't hurt as much?

Protect oneself above all else and all of that.

YOLO...unless you're Jesus.

Happy Easter, everybody!

What a beautiful day it has been.

On Friday I woke up with the worst eye infection I've ever had. Chelsea and Lisa can attest to how horrendous it was. Saturday my eye was swollen shut for the major part of the day. But this morning, after applying my prescribed eye drops vigorously for two days, it was almost completely back to normal.

Mama and I were supposed to wake up super early and go dress shopping, but we both slept in, which was almost as fabulous as shopping would have been.

Church was spectacular. The youth group put on a play that brought many to tears.

After service my family and I went out to dinner.

We just got home. I can hear my dad watching a soccer game upstairs. I think his team is losing, which means my team is winning.

I'm going to go rub it in his face a little bit.

I wish I would have taken a picture of my Easter outfit. I looked super cute, if I do say so myself. Everyone who didn't see me today, well, y'all missed out.

there is no past there is only future

weeping hearts

eff you gossip girl. eff you so freaking much.

it might be too soon to tell for sure, but i don't think chuck and blair are ever going to happen again.

and i think "dair" is going to be a thing.

yuck times a million!

OMGIHATEYOUGOSSIPGIRL

i took a study break and visited perezhilton.com and omg found all sorts of ridiculousness on there.

like this bit of an interview with one of the producers:

Ok, so … It's the end of the series. You're down to the wire. You have no choice, the network has started the final countdown on the Upper East Side. Which is it gonna be at the end game: DAIR or CHAIR?

It's not the end of the series yet, so I'm not going to answer that one! Nice try, though! (I can admit, however, that Blair's decision will be very clear by the end of this season).

okay, so yeah, that was a little vague, but then there was this:

In the preview for your next episode, we saw Dan and Blair finding loooove in an elevator. How much more of that can we expect to see in the coming episodes?

Well, it won't be in an elevator, but these last run of episodes definitely turn up the heat. Especially the finale…

the finale this season turns up the heat? between dan and blair? the finale in which he said blair's decision will be very clear? and the heat will be turned up? with dan? and her?

i'm sorry. i can't censor this: FUCK!

i can't believe i'm so invested in this. i can't believe how absurdly upsetting it is to even imagine that chuck and blair won't end up together. i can't believe how much i hate dan and how much i despise blair for being with him even for a second because he is such a down grade and i can't believe how much i want the best for chuck which would be the old strong smart powerful blair but she's gone now.

ugh.

get a hair cut dan you look so ugly and stupid and homeless and i hate you and your dirty overgrown locks.

end rant.

just keep swimming

Turn Around.

It's official. Well, it's official in my mind.

I'm switching my major.

Registration for upcoming Juniors was today and I signed up for 2 classes that will count towards my new communications major.

I'm excited. And scared.

I'm excited because I think I'll be good in these classes. I feel like I'll really like and enjoy them.

The reasons why I'm scared list is way longer.

I don't think I'll finish this major in two years. A professor told me it can be done, but I'm a little skeptical if I can do it. I've also wasted the classes I've taken towards my old major - business. The same professor suggested getting a business minor, but that would mean still having to take two more accounting classes amongst a couple of other mathematically inclined ones. Uhh, no thanks.

My dad and I talked about this today. I told him how I felt bad about wasting their money, because part of me feels like that is what these past two years have been. I told him I didn't know if him and my mom would approve, and that's why I hadn't talked to them about it.

He told me exactly what the other part of me feels like.

He said it was better to waste two years than to spend an entire life time on something that wasn't going to make me happy. And he also said stuff about those two years not really being a waste because I learned and experienced new things and blah blah blah. You know, just my dad being a dad.

He said he wants me to have outlines and details and a plan and he wants me to sit down with him and my mom when I'm home this weekend because they just want to be imformed.

Today has been long, even though I only went to one of my classes.

I'm scared that I'm reaching the point in one of them where I've realized I'm doing poorly and I just want to give up on it all together. I don't want this to happen, though. There's still a good month or so of school left, so I know I can manage a decent grade. But it seriously takes a ridiculous amount of effort to go to that class.

This week is Greek Week at my school. I haven't been the most active sister this year, let alone during Greek Week activities, but my whole life has been very much like a soap opera since this school year started up until now. Like, seriously you guys. I've caught Chelsea up on recent events and she went ahead and gave my soap opera a name: Karen's Room. But in Spanish so it's like a real Telenovela: El Cuarto de Karen.

Chelsea and I just ordered a pizza. It was half covered in animal bits, and half covered in vegetables. The animal bits part is all mine.

Now she's introducing me to The Breakfast Club. She says it's funny because they never actually eat breakfast. Now I'm super curious.

The rest of this week is going to feel just as long as today.

I'd say I can't wait for the weekend, but honestly, I can't wait for this summer.

I'm going to miss this place and these people and the hundreds and thousands of good moments and memories, but I'm ready to be home for an extended amount of time and I'm ready to be done with classes and hard crap.

I'm excited for August.

I'm excited for new beginnings.

This school year has been just too much cray for my personal liking.

Oh, a very good thing that happened this weekend: Baby Cousin Steven turned one.

A Drop in the Ocean.

I wish I could be in two places at once on days like today.

Black and Yellow.

Today my brother found out he got accepted into UGA.

Something I don't go around telling people too often is that that was my dream school, and I didn't get in.

Other people dream of going Ivy, or getting out of their home state and away from their parents, but ever since I can remember fully understanding the concept of college, I wanted to go to the University of Georgia.

I applied to 7 different schools, and out of those 7, UGA was the only one who didn't accept me.

I remember I was prom dress shopping with my friends, Jeanette and Cassidy. We were in a parking lot sitting in Jean's car when I checked my application status online. I saw the words, "We are sorry..." and didn't keep reading. I new what the rest said. I took a deep breath and we walked in the store and then I lost it. I burst out in tears in the middle of all these pretty dresses and my two best friends in high school hugged me until I got myself together. I got home and cried to my dad. I called my mom because she was in Guatemala and I cried some more to her, too.

None of it made any sense. I exceeded every single one of their requirements. My GPA was above what they were asking. I was in so many extra curriculars. So much of what I did in high school was for them and they didn't want me. It wasn't even that I wasn't good enough - they just flat out rejected me. I didn't even make the damn wait list.

That Fall I started my freshmen year at Oglethorpe University which had been my second choice. The whole summer my best friend Maria and I had talked about how we were both going to go to our respective colleges for a year and then transfer to UGA. We even took a trip to Athens to look at apartments and had one picked out.

Almost two years later and I'm still at OU. The campus, the professors, the people, my sorority - it all owns me.

The way I've looked at all of this is that I was plainly and simply meant for Oglethorpe. If I had gotten into UGA, there isn't a doubt in my mind that that is where I would be. But I wasn't meant to live that life. I was meant to live the one I've been living. I was meant to be Catherine's roommate. I was meant to be Becca's little. I was meant to know what a Petrel is and to live in motel styled dorms and to be a member of Sigma Sigma Sigma.

I wanted Bryan to go to Oglethorpe. I think he would be great there, but honesty, that kid is going to be great anywhere. I know he could do so much better than UGA because he's talented and smart enough to get into almost any school you can think of, but what he wants is Georgia, and that's probably where he was meant to be.

UGA will be his Oglethorpe.

My smile rivaled his own when he shared the news with us today.

OGLEMEMES:

www.facebook.com/pages/Oglememes/328853257153594

YOU'RE WELCOME

Glitter In The Air.

I wish I could transcribe every single word that comes out of the mouth of my Professor for my Family and Marriage class.

That woman is brilliance captured in person.

She says the most interesting things and I'm barely done understanding her first point when she's already saying something 10 times better.

She also terrifies the crud out of me.

I feel like the day she calls on me in class to speak up, I'll do something totally embarrassing like forget how to talk.

I'm really glad these night classes are keeping me on my toes.

I hate that I'm in class from 6 - 10:40 PM, but at least they're interesting courses.

And speaking of toes, my second night class Professor just walked by me and said, "Cute shoes."

I'm wearing my ripped and well worn silver sparkly Toms.

Does that mean she's going to give me an A?

i want to be forever young

Today is all about making big life decisions. Or rather, thinking about making big life decisions.

I am declared as a business major. My advisor is an art professor. Don't ask me how that happened - it just did.

I've had two meetings with him before in which I thought we both walked off frustrated. He tells me I should seek a new advisor. I don't know who in the business department to pick, because the only one I want won't take any more advisees. He can't really help me. I get annoyed and he gets annoyed and so on and so forth.

Today was different, though. What's that saying? We turned a new leaf? Yeah, I think that's it. Maybe we were both just in better moods. I don't know.

But in today's meeting he straight up told me numbers are obviously not my thing.

OBVIOUSLY.

The business major has a lot of mathematically inclined courses. I hate math. I hate math so much because I suck at math. Excuse my poor vocabulary, but it's true. Math + Me = No Bueno. No Bueno is Spanish for Not Good, by the way. He told me he doesn't see passion in my eyes when I speak about my business courses. That made me do a little giggle snort because it's true. I don't know why I'm a business major. I guess it's because up until this semester there wasn't anything else that I really wanted to do in my life.

He told me to look into the communications major. He said that, on top of my Spanish and non-profit minors, will open so many doors for me in the future.

I think I'll listen to his advise.

Registration for the Fall starts next week, so I need to make a decision soon. I'll talk to some communications professors and see what they think.

It's a little scary, though. The whole possibly changing my major two years into college thing. It kind of feels like I've wasted so much of my time and so much of my dad's money. But an even scarier thought is thinking that if I don't make this drastic change, I might be stuck doing something that I don't love for the rest of my life.

So what if I'm an undergrad for 5 years? Or 6...or 7. Chelsea already said she'd stay here with me. She said we could get an apartment so we wouldn't be creepy old ladies still living in the dorms. I added the creepy old ladies part for dramatic effect.

I've said before that change is scary. But sometimes change is good. And sometimes we need change.

So yeah, it'll all be okay.

It always is.

I always am.

And all that jazz.

Keep Calm and Call Mom.

Today has just been one of those days.

Very blah.

Nothing too spectacular.

My mood has been yucky.

All I want to do is curl up somewhere warm and sleep for forever.

Or go home and spend time with my family.


The highlights of my day -

Delaney singing a song to me and changing the lyrics to fit my name.

AND

Chelsea talking to her father on Skype. This conversation just happened:
Chelsea: Daddy, when are you going to become a doctor?
Her Daddy: I'm a patient.

Weekend Getaway.

Gyros. Sigma Bid Day CDs. Sushi. Mojitos. Tattoo parlors. Private Beaches. Double wides. Husky dog. Zombie cat. Lost sunglasses. Life stories. Coconut shrimp. Ice cream. Condos. Panama City. Mumford and Suns. Alabama. Cajun desserts. The bread from Pasta Grill. Scooter. You're in the wrong house, get out now! Sea side. Horrible ideas. Drunks fighting over football. Navy stories. Great ideas. Carnival rides. Road games. Mixed drinks. Walking on the beach at night. Color coded outdoor stores. Guitars. Driving without the GPS. Turtles. Mrs. Laura. Loud boys. Too much fun going on to worry about taking pictures. Planning our next trip. My life Twin.

These lovely things and so many more made up my weekend getaway.

Greater Things Are Yet To Come.

I know I already posted earlier today, but I wanted to write a small update on my post from Monday...

When my dad came home tonight he told us he wasn't going to take the job they offered him. He says his responsibilities to our family and to our church are way too important for him to trade for some extra money in the bank. He says you can't put a price on what he would be giving up if he had accepted it. He says he believes there is something even greater in store for him here, where he can enjoy the benefits of his labor with his loved ones - where he can be home where he belongs.

I love my father to the moon and back.

Almost There.

Today has been very productive in the sense that my room is almost completely clean. I like to think of it as usually being an organized mess, but one of my sisters and I are going to PCB this weekend and when we come back she is staying with me for a few days, so I thought I would put a little more effort into the "organized" part of the "mess."

These past couple of days have been very unproductive in the sense that I have so much homework due when classes resume and I haven't started any of it.

Sometimes things come up...and sometimes I'm just lazy. There's still time, so it's okay.

I was supposed to spend today and tomorrow with some sisters at Oglethorpe but not driving and not having a car cause me to be dependable on other people for transportation. I understand my parents have more important things to do than running me from here to there, so that's okay, too.

So instead I'll finish up my laundry. I'll make myself a nice grilled chicken salad for dinner. I'll pack my bags for the beach. I'll look for an online copy of the Hunger Games that I can reread tonight before the premiere tomorrow. And maybe I'll go ahead and stop putting off all of my assignments so that I can have complete and total fun in the sun this weekend.

Word to the Wise.

Today's quote reads:

"At the end of the day when it all comes down to it all we really want it to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all pretend to keep our distance is crap, so we pick and choose who we want to remain close to and once we've chosen these people, we tend to stay close by no matter what, no matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping and sometimes close can be too close but sometimes the invasion of personal space can be exactly what you need."

Fam[ily] Ties.

My dad sat my brothers and I down for a talk tonight.

It was funny because we all initially thought we were in trouble - I could tell in their eyes that they were trying to remember if they'd done anything wrong, just like I was.

But alas - no one was in trouble, he just had something serious to discuss with us.

He's been offered a job. A great job. A great job that will have him going from one state to another, job site after job site, up until December.

This company is offering to make him an equal partner if he agrees.

They're going to give him a small job in Texas for two weeks, which he'll fly out for later this week, and if he likes it and he's ready, the position is his.

The company does a little bit of everything, but their biggest source of revenue is painting, which is where my dad comes in.

When I say this is a great job, I'm talking about him making well over 6 figures by the time Fall rolls around.

This is the type of money my dad used to make when I was a kid. Every week Bryan and I could walk into Toys R Us and pick anything we wanted. We would eat out for every meal on the weekends. We would take multiple vacations for no reason other than having the means to do so. I hardly had to repeat any of my outfits.

Recently we've had to learn to hold back on certain luxuries. We live very comfortably but there are times our parents just simply have to say no. Even though I was always taught to be grateful for what I have been given, the spoiled part of me hates things like the word budget.

That's the most obvious plus side to this whole situation - the money. But it might be the only plus side.

Everyone who really knows me at all knows how close I am to my family. And it's not only me to them, but it's all of us to each other. My dad not being here for that long is going to plainly and simply suck.

He says he wont do this without our support. If we don't think this is a good idea, he wants us to let him know how we feel.

I think this is an amazing opportunity. And I support him - I really do. I just know I'm not going to like it. And none of us will get used to it.

Nothing will be set in stone until after the Texas job. There's also a job here in Georgia that he would be able to do from this state obviously. But all of the other jobs are like 1 month in Louisiana and 2 months in Florida and another month in South Carolina and things like that all up until the end of the year when the company closes from December - Mid-March and then they start all over again.

Change is scary.

We'll see what happens.

I'll never ever stop believing that everything will always be okay.

Wave Your Flag.

Today has been such a lazy day. I haven't done any of my homework, but I'll get all of that out of the way in the next two to three days so I can enjoy the last half of my Spring Break.

What I have done is sit in my bed watching Remember Me. Say what you want about Robert Pattinson in Twilight. I've heard all the jokes, and I even agree with some of them. But Rob in Remember Me? Ugh. Such a good effing movie. It makes me bawl like a baby every single time. Today I restrained from screaming at my screen in an attempt to warn his character. I call that progress.

But after that I got on YouTube and started watching 9/11 videos. I've seen documentaries here and there but some of the videos that I watched today were so raw that it felt like I was actually witnessing the events in person, and like they were happening right now and not over a decade ago. I think the saddest one for me was a recording of a 9-1-1 phone call. The man's name was Kevin and for about 5 minutes he's on the line with the emergency operator just telling her he's on the 100th something floor in so and so's office. She tries to calm him down but he isn't having any of it. He starts screaming at her that she's able to say all of that because she's in an air conditioned building and she can see, where as he isn't and he can't. The recording is paired up with a video of the towers just after the planes hit. They're both smoking. Kevin keeps on saying how the situation up there is getting worse and worse. He says he's a young guy and he isn't ready to die. He says just minutes before he had called his wife and told her he was on his way home and how she must think he's okay. Then, as you hear Kevin shout, "Oh, God" you see the first tower collapse and the line goes dead.

I think everyone remembers where they were on that day. I was in the 4th grade. A couple of days a week all of the kids in the gifted program would meet up to do whatever it is we were supposed to be doing. I think we were reading Hatchet, or some other book that was supposed to be way beyond our years and get our brilliant young minds going. I think they said something over the intercom about everyone turning their TVs on. I remember the images, but I didn't really understand what I was seeing. I didn't know what a terrorist was. And why would someone do all of this on purpose? It all looked so scary. I also remember my teacher's eyes were brimming with unshed tears. That's when I knew this was really bad. My brother and I were some of the many children checked out of school early. When we got home it was all any channel was talking about. I remember hearing people screaming and crying on the news. I remember seeing people running away from the area surrounding the buildings, while police men and fire fighters ran towards them.

I get really angry when people tell me I'm not American. My parents are both Hispanic, and I love and cherish that part of my culture, but I was born here. I have more pride inside of me for this place than I ever will anywhere else. I don't mind it when my friends make stereotypical jokes, I actually think they're funny, and that it's okay because I know they're messing with me and that I can crack a joke at their expense right back. But when someone I don't even know or doesn't know me is seriously telling me I'm not American because I'm not white - like, STFU dude. Even my parents embrace the being American thing. They've lived here more than anywhere else. And although they love traveling back to Guatemala, this is their home now. There's a little American flag right outside by our front door.

I don't know why I wanted to write about, or where I thought I was going with this. Or even how to wrap up the post from here.

I'm in a sorority - that's pretty American. I'll leave y'all with one of my 100,00+ sisters, Carrie Underwood. My favorite part of the video is at 2:22-23ish, just saying.

This has gotta be the good life.

This morning started off with me getting to school really early so I just took a nap in Jacob's car. It was great except for the part where I left my seatbelt on so my neck was a little sore for a while.

Then I went to my Macro-Economics class. I met with my professor afterwards and he's going to push our test back a week because I made a joke about him doing that. I didn't promise him anything in return, I swear!

I spent time with Mackenzie and Becca in the SGA office and was fanned by one of those cool fans without blades. I think they're called air multipliers. At least, that's what Becca called it. Sometimes I'm gullible so I can't be too sure.

Then I gave a persuasive speech in my Non-Profit Communications class. I think it went horribly. My voice was practically gone by the time I was done and I could tell how shaky it was, but my professor said she wanted to donate to all of our causes, so maybe I'm just being too hard on myself.

Today I also started my two new night classes. THEY WERE SO AWESOME!

The first one was a Family and Marriage class. My professor opened up with saying that if she did not offend us, she was not doing her job right. We talked about heteronormative families. These are families that fit society's norms, meaning the head of the household is a white, heterosexual, upper middle class male, and he has all the power. The woman stays home with the kids. Children are seen and not heard. We continued discussing how this concept is impossible for most people, yet as a society that's the goal and that is what we idolize and envy. We also talked about how wanting these things isn't necessarily wrong, we just shouldn't expect everyone to agree or conform. The class is not about family values, rather about valuing families. Ahh, it's so great!

My last class of the day is Business Communications. The professor is a mix of Oprah, and the soothing voice of a tape recorded audio book, and a grandmother. I'm a little worried because we took the MBTI Personality and Style test and everyone else in the class seemed to be an extrovert except for me. My results at the end read that my personality type is: "Idealistic, loyal to their values and to people who are important to them. Want an external life that is congruent with their values. Curious, quick to see possibilities, can be catalysts for implementing ideas. Seek too understand people and to help them fulfill their potential. Adaptable, flexible, and accepting unless a value is threatened." I thought that was pretty on point. One other thing I'm not a big fan of about the class is the fact that everyone there seemed to be around 40 years old. They were all very pleasant, but it is just such a different type of culture to be in a class where everyone has had a chance to sort of find out more about themselves and who they are, and I'm still stuck being a kid. Part of me wants to not like it because these elements put me outside of my comfort zone, but I feel like that may be exactly why I actually like it as much as I do.

After class Mackenzie and Shea took me to Steak and Shake because I hadn't eaten all day. It was 10:30 PM, so that was not okay. I'll get on a better eating schedule, I promise. I ate my avocado burger so fast I barely even breathed through it. It was delicious. I'm not a fan of burgers, but today I just happened to have a craving for one.

We also stopped by a pub down the street to say hello to one of our sisters who is in town. The place was super crowded and casual. And the bouncer let us in even though Mackenzie, Shea and I are not of age, because we promised we would be in and out and that we wouldn't consume any alcohol. Being honest pays off, you guys.

Now I'm sitting at a table with my sisters Chelsea and Mackenzie telling me how pretty I am. And how much they love me. And we're talking about name meanings. Mackenzie's first name and my name mean the same thing, purity. Chelsea's name means landing...like an airport. And we read a Wikipedia article on The Karen People. No lie, they exist. I have people. That's kind of a big deal.

Chelsea and I are staying up and watching Pocahontas. She's going to write a musical and I'm not allowed to steal it. We just pinky promised.

I'm officially on spring break. I'm going to Six Flags and the pool and having slumber parties and going to The Hunger Games midnight premiere and then to Panama City Beach with my life twin, Karen #3.

Life is too good to me.

For everyone I've mentioned in my post tonight...