i want to linger a little longer here with you

All of the feelings.

ALL OF THEM.

Tonight was Senior Send On. Every Tri-Sigma senior writes a beautiful letter or will of things they would like to leave the rest of the chapter. Most of the items are cute little things like humor or sass or things of that nature. Others are actual physical objects like cardboard cutouts of Edward Cullen.

My Big is the best.

It's safe to assume I cried throughout the entire night.

All of our seniors are such beautiful people. I don't want them to leave, but I understand how time works. Their time here is up. They need to move and accomplish bigger and better things out there wherever there is. I wish I could keep them forever, because I'm selfish, but now is as good a time as any to practice the art of sharing.

It's going to be weird not being greeted by one of Melinda's kisses on the cheek on a regular basis.

I can't believe how proud I am of Liz and the person she is. She's so loving and caring and I'm glad she only lives 9 exits away from me.

My cute little LeeAnn who left me everything. Ugh, she's such a beautiful person. I wish we could have spent more time together here, but I'll always cherish the moments we shared.

Sarah, who is quite possibly the happiest person I know. So much of that girl's life revolves around making others smile. She's the best.

Whitney seriously needs to keep on singing and playing the flute and upload the videos on YouTube or something, because I love watching her on stage, and I'm glad I was able to go to her last concert here.

There's also Marlena, who's always been nothing but sweet with me. I plan on making frequent visits to her place to watch Grey's Anatomy episodes and eat all of her yummy food. All of it.

Chelsea is such a bad ass. I love and admire her so much, I'm also proud of her and the transformation she went through right before all of our eyes.

Oh, Lisa. My beautiful, Lisa. She is one of my role models. There are few people I feel I can trust completely, and she is definitely one of them. I want to be as understanding and noble and she is one day. She is such a rock. I don't even want to try to begin to accept the fact that she won't be here next year.

And lastly, my Big, Becca. I have a copy of her will and I keep on rereading it and the tears won't stop. I don't think she'll ever really know what she means to me. I don't like writing about it because no words will ever do my feelings and love justice.

After chapter a bunch of us went to Starbucks and I kind of wanted to cry some more at how much I love each of the women that were crowded around our little table.

Sometimes I don't understand how I got to be so lucky. I'm surrounded by the best people out there - I'm sure of it.

The year is almost over. I have finals and papers and projects due left and right throughout the week.

This is really happening. We're in the final stretch.

Once again, all of the feelings. ALL OF THEM.

the finals are coming! the finals are coming!

and miles to go before i sleep

I woke up at home, and after I packed a bag my mom dropped me off at school. Khadija and I then took Sherry to RuSans, this really funky sushi place I have come to love. After that Sherry and I went on an adventure. I took her to Atlantic Station. At Bath and Body Works she told me to try some hand sanitizer and after she squirted a good amount onto my hands we realized it was soap. Then at Dillards I told her to smell my favorite Juicy Couture perfume, and as she leaned in to smell the bottle tip, I squirted some into her mouth. When we were driving back, we hit a bird. Or, it hit us. It was kind of suicidal and ran right into the windshield. Sherry and I went to our last Sigma chapter of the year. After that we went to Michelle and Natalia's place for a bit. Sistahs have a legit zen garden as their back yard. I was so jelly. The good, strawberry Smuckers kind of jelly. Sherry and I ended our bonding time by picking up loads of food at Dragon Express.

I've been dizzy throughout the day and my brain has been filled with less than pleasant thoughts here and there.

But it's okay.

We just took a midnight Kroger run for some ice cream. It's freezing outside and I walked into the store with a blanket wrapped tightly around me. I may or may not have ran up and down the ice cream aisle pretending I was a super hero. I wasn't wearing my letters though, so we're good.

Now we're back in Khadija's room watching Desperate Housewives and eating chocolate chip cookie dough frozen dairy goodness and life is good and great and grand.

for you, a thousand times over

Last night I watched The Kite Runner. It instantly became one of my favorite movies.

I've heard great things about the film and the book for a while now, so I cannot wait until I get my hands on the book and get a chance to read it.

I can already tell it will make me bawl like a baby, but that's okay, because feelings and emotions are beautiful things.

words can't...they just can't

this little light of mine

My mom is coming back into town after serving at a weekend retreat for just under a hundred new women at our church tomorrow. She is the retreat coordinator, which means she had to plan it all out perfectly. She also had to give a few of the lectures or sermons or classes or whatever they're called, so she's had her hands full for a while putting this all together.

I wasn't able to go this time, but I get to help in getting everything ready for their welcoming back tomorrow, so that's exciting.

Next month the men go out on their retreat, and my dad's coordinating that one.

It's safe to say my parents are pretty important people.

Speaking of my pops, he's preaching again tomorrow. I'm really excited for him. He's such a natural at speaking in front of crowds. Our church has about 1,000 members, but since tomorrow is a special service, we're expecting a few hundred more. There's also our local TV station which airs the services live, the church's radio station which plays the services live, and the website, where people can again, watch the services live. Putting all those numbers together, my dad's audience will be well over 2,000 people.

He's such a big deal.

On a different note, I've been baby sitting Baby Cousin Steven a lot lately. His mom has been having a hard time, so I'm more than happy to help out. It makes me extra tired, because he has 10 times the energy I remember Erik having when he was 1 year old, but that baby has me so tightly wrapped around his little finger that it's all worth it in the end.

I haven't been too attentive to my planner as of late, so it hasn't really hit me that school is almost out. I think I have like two full weeks of classes left, and then finals, and then I'm done. That's so crazy.

This summer looks like it will involve a lot more of Baby Cousin Steven in my life.

That sounds so wonderful and exhausting all at the same time.

Let's see...

I don't really have anything else to say, but I don't want to stop writing.

Oh, okay, I know!

I was reading a list a few days ago about the 10 most popular blogs for college girls. I checked them all out...OHMYGAWDTHEYWERESOSTUPID.

Like, I know that's mean and harsh and I totally shouldn't criticize other's writings or whatever because here I am writing about my not so spectacular life and who else wants to read about my day besides my family in Guatemala who can't even read English so what's the point, right?

But seriously.

Each blog had stuff like, tips on how to get rid of a hangover. And the boys you should hook up with vs. the ones you shouldn't. And how you should befriend the nerds so they can take your notes and do your homework. And just stupid crap like that.

I don't really know why they made me so angry.

Maybe because I think these are the types of blogs that belong on that list:

http://astoryasneak.wordpress.com/
http://susurratim.blogspot.com/
http://jsabree.wordpress.com/
http://forwardjanet.blogspot.com/
http://caseofthetuesdays.blogspot.com/
http://crosskitelines.blogspot.com/

I don't think I'm being biased just because I know each one of these spectacular people. I'd rather read their beautiful words than an article about how to get rid of a hickey quickly or how to hide your grades from your parents or how to learn to hold your liquor to impress people.

I promise I'm not as superficial as some tend to believe.

you is kind you is smart you is important

I started off writing about how angry I was at my parents. And through the tears my fingers were just moving all on their own and I was typing up all these things I didn't really mean and my words were coming from a place of frustration but I just needed to vent.

I tried to talk to them about school and me switching my major. And about possibly living in my sorority house next year. And about just wanting to talk to my doctor about different tests I would like to have done.

All of these are pretty heavy topics in their respective ways. And it was totally a bad idea to bring them up all at once, but at the moment my thought process made sense.

The conversation just led to me feeling like they weren't getting it. It was almost like they weren't even trying to understand where I was coming from.

So, my very mature 20 year old self stormed out of the room with big, fat tears rolling down my face.

And there I was blogging and crying and being all angst-like when my mom comes into my room and gives me a hug.

And she tells me that she loves me. And she asks me if I know that. And I tell her I do. And she asks me if I love her back. And then my heart breaks a little because if there is one thing that I know to be true in my heart of hearts it is that I have never loved anyone more than I love my mother. And I know the questions were rhetorical but I didn't like them. I just replied that yes, I do love her.

And she tells me that just like I want them to understand where I'm coming from, I have to try to understand where they are coming from too. And how both her and my dad live for Bryan, Erik, and me. She says that they'll always only want what is best for me - that they'll always be on my side. And she says that if I need help, they'll get me help. And she reminds me that there is nothing God can't do. And I believe her. And I believe in Him.

timshel

The very first thing I'm going to do after I'm done with this semester?

Reread my favorite book - East of Eden by John Steinbeck.

It's a hefty one. Weighs a lot. Very intimidating.

It usually wouldn't be the type of book I go for.

When I read because I want to and not because I'm told to, I like reading simple and pretty words.

But someone recommended this book to me, and I went out on a limb and gave it a shot.

Never have I ever read a more beautiful story.

When people ask me what my favorite book is, and I tell them, they then want to know what it is about.

I kind of have a hard time explaining it, though. There are so many elements and components to this book that it's hard to find the right words to sum it all up.

I guess my favorite thing about it, and what you could say it is mostly focused on, is the aspect that every single one of us has to face the battle between good and evil, and we have the power to choose which side we want to be associated with.

"Lee’s hand shook as he filled the delicate cups. He drank his down in one gulp. “Don’t you see?” he cried. “The American Standard translation orders men to triumph over sin, and you can call sin ignorance. The King James translation makes a promise in ‘Thou shalt,’ meaning that men will surely triumph over sin. But the Hebrew word, the word timshel—‘Thou mayest’— that gives a choice. It might be the most important word in the world. That says the way is open. That throws it right back on a man. For if ‘Thou mayest’—it is also true that ‘Thou mayest not.’ Don’t you see?”"

Ahh. Such beautiful words. I can't even begin to describe the good that this book does to my soul.

I used to know this book inside and out. I was in my Junior year of high school and almost done with East of Eden when we were assigned a critical reading project. I don't remember specifics but it was something like, write a ten page paper and have 8 sources and this amount of quotes and footnotes and more of that ridiculous nonsense. When our teacher handed out the list of books we could choose from, I felt like the luckiest girl in world. East of Eden was on that list and I quickly called dibs on it. I ended up getting an A on that assignment, and I often referenced East of Eden in many papers that followed - including my AP Literature Exam which I received college credit for.

It's been almost two years since the last time I read it front to back.

I miss it.

I need it.

Is it summer yet?

There's also a movie out. Or maybe there are a couple of versions? I'm not quite sure. But the one I want to get around to watching is the James Dean one.

I know, I know.

Be still my heart he's so pretty.

just do it

The Nike ad that touched millions of lives, including mine:

You were born a daughter.
You looked up to your mother.
You looked up to your father.
You looked up at everyone.

You wanted to be a princess.
You thought you were a princess.
You wanted to own a horse.
You wanted to be a horse.
You wanted your brother to be a horse.

You wanted to wear pink.
You never wanted to wear pink.

You wanted to be a Veterinarian.
You wanted to be President.
You wanted to be the President's Veterinarian.

You were picked last for the team.
You were the best one on the team.
You refused to be on the team.

You wanted to be good in algebra.
You hid during algebra.
You wanted the boys to notice you.
You were afraid the boys would notice you.

You started to get acne.
You started to get breasts.
You started to get acne that was bigger than your breasts.

You wouldn't wear a bra.
You couldn't wait to wear a bra.
You couldn't fit into a bra.

You didn't like the way you looked.
You didn't like the way your parents looked.
You didn't want to grow up.

You had your first best friend.
You had your first date.
You had your second best friend.

You had your second first date.
You spent hours on the telephone.
You got kissed.
You got to kiss back.

You went to the prom.
You didn't go to the prom.
You went to the prom with the wrong person.

You spent hours on the telephone.

You fell in love.
You fell in love.
You fell in love.

You lost your best friend.
You lost your other best friend.

You really fell in love.

You became a steady girlfriend.
You became a significant other.

YOU BECAME SIGNIFICANT TO YOURSELF.

Sooner or later, you start taking yourself seriously. You know when you need a break. You know when you need a rest. You know what to get worked up about and what to get rid of. And you know when it's time to take care of yourself, for yourself. To do something that makes you stronger, faster, more complete.

Because you know it's never too late to have a life. And never too late to change one.

JUST DO IT.

your soul is rooting for you

There's this thing I do every now and then where I start pulling away from the people around me.

Not entirely, but all of a sudden I feel myself wanting to be less attached.

I don't want to label it as a defense mechanism, although that's probably what it is. But yeah, maybe it isn't. I'm not necessarily like, "Oh, I don't want to get close to people because they'll just hurt me and leave me and blah blah blah." No. The people I've loved the most have never left me. Maybe it's because they're my parents and my brothers, so they're kind of stuck with me.

I just can't quite put my finger on it.

I don't understand why I'm doing this now.

I mean, come on Karen! The semester is almost over. You should be enjoying this last month with all your sisters and friends. Your timing sucks, girl.

Maybe I'm not as complex as I like to think I am and it is totally a defense mechanism.

Maybe it's like I'm starting to slowly prepare myself for all the good-byes I'll have to endure in the next few weeks so they won't hurt as much?

Protect oneself above all else and all of that.

YOLO...unless you're Jesus.

Happy Easter, everybody!

What a beautiful day it has been.

On Friday I woke up with the worst eye infection I've ever had. Chelsea and Lisa can attest to how horrendous it was. Saturday my eye was swollen shut for the major part of the day. But this morning, after applying my prescribed eye drops vigorously for two days, it was almost completely back to normal.

Mama and I were supposed to wake up super early and go dress shopping, but we both slept in, which was almost as fabulous as shopping would have been.

Church was spectacular. The youth group put on a play that brought many to tears.

After service my family and I went out to dinner.

We just got home. I can hear my dad watching a soccer game upstairs. I think his team is losing, which means my team is winning.

I'm going to go rub it in his face a little bit.

I wish I would have taken a picture of my Easter outfit. I looked super cute, if I do say so myself. Everyone who didn't see me today, well, y'all missed out.

there is no past there is only future

weeping hearts

eff you gossip girl. eff you so freaking much.

it might be too soon to tell for sure, but i don't think chuck and blair are ever going to happen again.

and i think "dair" is going to be a thing.

yuck times a million!

OMGIHATEYOUGOSSIPGIRL

i took a study break and visited perezhilton.com and omg found all sorts of ridiculousness on there.

like this bit of an interview with one of the producers:

Ok, so … It's the end of the series. You're down to the wire. You have no choice, the network has started the final countdown on the Upper East Side. Which is it gonna be at the end game: DAIR or CHAIR?

It's not the end of the series yet, so I'm not going to answer that one! Nice try, though! (I can admit, however, that Blair's decision will be very clear by the end of this season).

okay, so yeah, that was a little vague, but then there was this:

In the preview for your next episode, we saw Dan and Blair finding loooove in an elevator. How much more of that can we expect to see in the coming episodes?

Well, it won't be in an elevator, but these last run of episodes definitely turn up the heat. Especially the finale…

the finale this season turns up the heat? between dan and blair? the finale in which he said blair's decision will be very clear? and the heat will be turned up? with dan? and her?

i'm sorry. i can't censor this: FUCK!

i can't believe i'm so invested in this. i can't believe how absurdly upsetting it is to even imagine that chuck and blair won't end up together. i can't believe how much i hate dan and how much i despise blair for being with him even for a second because he is such a down grade and i can't believe how much i want the best for chuck which would be the old strong smart powerful blair but she's gone now.

ugh.

get a hair cut dan you look so ugly and stupid and homeless and i hate you and your dirty overgrown locks.

end rant.

just keep swimming

Turn Around.

It's official. Well, it's official in my mind.

I'm switching my major.

Registration for upcoming Juniors was today and I signed up for 2 classes that will count towards my new communications major.

I'm excited. And scared.

I'm excited because I think I'll be good in these classes. I feel like I'll really like and enjoy them.

The reasons why I'm scared list is way longer.

I don't think I'll finish this major in two years. A professor told me it can be done, but I'm a little skeptical if I can do it. I've also wasted the classes I've taken towards my old major - business. The same professor suggested getting a business minor, but that would mean still having to take two more accounting classes amongst a couple of other mathematically inclined ones. Uhh, no thanks.

My dad and I talked about this today. I told him how I felt bad about wasting their money, because part of me feels like that is what these past two years have been. I told him I didn't know if him and my mom would approve, and that's why I hadn't talked to them about it.

He told me exactly what the other part of me feels like.

He said it was better to waste two years than to spend an entire life time on something that wasn't going to make me happy. And he also said stuff about those two years not really being a waste because I learned and experienced new things and blah blah blah. You know, just my dad being a dad.

He said he wants me to have outlines and details and a plan and he wants me to sit down with him and my mom when I'm home this weekend because they just want to be imformed.

Today has been long, even though I only went to one of my classes.

I'm scared that I'm reaching the point in one of them where I've realized I'm doing poorly and I just want to give up on it all together. I don't want this to happen, though. There's still a good month or so of school left, so I know I can manage a decent grade. But it seriously takes a ridiculous amount of effort to go to that class.

This week is Greek Week at my school. I haven't been the most active sister this year, let alone during Greek Week activities, but my whole life has been very much like a soap opera since this school year started up until now. Like, seriously you guys. I've caught Chelsea up on recent events and she went ahead and gave my soap opera a name: Karen's Room. But in Spanish so it's like a real Telenovela: El Cuarto de Karen.

Chelsea and I just ordered a pizza. It was half covered in animal bits, and half covered in vegetables. The animal bits part is all mine.

Now she's introducing me to The Breakfast Club. She says it's funny because they never actually eat breakfast. Now I'm super curious.

The rest of this week is going to feel just as long as today.

I'd say I can't wait for the weekend, but honestly, I can't wait for this summer.

I'm going to miss this place and these people and the hundreds and thousands of good moments and memories, but I'm ready to be home for an extended amount of time and I'm ready to be done with classes and hard crap.

I'm excited for August.

I'm excited for new beginnings.

This school year has been just too much cray for my personal liking.

Oh, a very good thing that happened this weekend: Baby Cousin Steven turned one.

A Drop in the Ocean.

I wish I could be in two places at once on days like today.