Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Hiatus.

I think there's something wrong with me.

I know I tend to be paranoid, but this time I'm serious. I don't think I'm stuck in the average funk. Funks aren't supposed to last this long. I don't think it's depression either. I live a very good life and I'm surrounded by good people and I'm not really sad or angry or anything. I've been Googling different types of learning disorders, and I find things I can relate to here or there, but still, I'm not sure if it's anything like that. I refuse to go on Web MD.

Maybe I should talk to a doctor? Or a counselor? Or my parents?
Yeah, we'll start with the parents.
Maybe that's all I need.

Part of me doesn't want to post this. I don't want anyone to worry, because whatever it is, if it is anything at all, can't be that serious, because I've felt like this for quite some time now. Clicking the submit button is just my way of holding myself accountable to actually trying to figure out if something is up.

I hope it's all in my head. If a professional tells me I'm okay, then maybe I can move towards being more of my old self again.

I used to be on top of things. Now I've sort of mellowed out. And I mean, I guess that's okay-ish...but it just doesn't feel okay. Sometimes it just doesn't feel like I care about things even when I know I do and sometimes I care too much and this is one of those moments when words are hard.

I don't like the tone of my blog. It feels too serious. I think I'll take a small break from it. Just a couple of days or so to try to figure stuff out and be okay with life and what not. I don't expect to "find myself" or anything magical like that. I don't think we ever stop finding ourselves. I just want to find a really good place and stay there. Or even when things aren't perfect, I want to be okay with that. And when I do, I want to come back and write light and happy thoughts. Even if nobody reads them, that's why I wanted to have a blog in the first place - to record all the good memories.

I want to open my quote books and read beautiful words and believe them and never forget them.

I want to stop being scared of success. I want to help myself, but I want to help others, too. I want to do well and I want to do good.

I have to get through whatever this is. And the process may be slow, and it may be rough, but I know in my heart of hearts that everything will be okay.

A Letter to my Best Friend.

I admire a lot of people. Selfless and kind and smart people.

Mostly I admire and look up to God.

And then my parents. You've met them. Or should know enough about them through my countless stories. You know how great they are and how much love and respect I have for them.

And then I admire you.

Before I continue, I want you to know that I'm not just feeding you lines or looking to make this merely sound pretty. Everything I'm about to write I feel. Everything I'm about to write is true.

It's 2:14 A.M.

I feel bad for not answering your call. I was asleep. I just texted you to let you know that. I'm sure you'll see it soon enough and call me at like 8 A.M. Go ahead and do that. I might still be awake then, considering how un-sleepy I feel at this very moment. And if I'm not awake, that would be a good time to wake up. I have a lot to study before my midterm on Thursday.

Part of me wants to list all of the things I admire you for overcoming or achieving or going through - but most f those are private. If I'm going to let the world know your life, I might as well write a tell all book or like sell the rights to MTV for a show and make some money off of it. What? It's no like we haven't discussed this before.

I know you get my humor. And how un-serious I was about that. But how serious I am about how I think your life needs a TV show.

I've said this to you before, but I'll say it again and I hope it means something to you - I think you're a great mother. I know it hasn't been easy. But every time I see your happy baby, and how sweet he is, I see all the good you've done. And yes, you've had so much help and support from your close ones, but that lovely child is mostly you. Maybe the circumstances under which he arrived were not ideal, but no one who knows you or knows him can imagine this world without him now. If he didn't exist, the sun would shine a little less - the stars would not sparkle as much. He is so much joy and love and wonderful all in a tiny body and I am so glad you have allowed me to know him and fall in love with him and be a part of his life.

I also think you're the best friend. Like, not just my best friend, but also just the over-all best friend. I feel like everyone should have a best friend like mine. I've had lots of friends and even a couple of best friends before I met you. I've had friends I can be silly with and friends I go to for advice and friends who I can sit with in silence and feel content and friends who I trust and friends who this and that, but you're all of that wrapped up in one.

No one else really knows me more. Or understands me better.

No one else really looks forward to my stories like you do. I can tell by the time I say, "Oh! I have something to tell you!" how excited you get for whatever sort of ridiculousness that is about to come out of my mouth.

No one else is my sugar mamacita. Actually, that's probably why I love you so much. 'Cause you give me pretty things and take me on vacations and buy me food all the time. Yeah, that's it.

Kidding.

Kind of.

Not really.

I love you so much it hurts. Like, legit. "It feels like period cramps in my heart." That was me quoting you about how much you love me hurts, by the way, incase you don't remember. OMG. Seriously, WHO SAYS STUFF LIKE THAT?

Only my best friend.

You also say stuff like:

* "God has night vision!"

* "My dad gave it to my mom so I got it in the divorce!"

* "Creeping is just another word for love!"

* "I bet it's Egyptian Princess day!"

* "I peeled my first precious this morning."

* "The lady asked me if the other adult staying with us was related. I literally said she was our adopted child."

* "OMG OMG OMG OMG I just found dried cheese under my chin/on my neck!"

Sometimes...most of the time...all the time...I wonder/worry about you.

But seriously. More than my best friend, you're my family. And we've had our ups and downs, but mostly our ups. The downs come with life, naturally. As we grow older we have more to face and more to get through. But I'm here for you and you're there for me.

Thank you for being such a rock and a constant in my life for the past year and a half. Holy cow. We've only known each other for a year and a half! Does it seem like longer to you? I feel like you know everything about me, so yeah, it seems like longer.

Oh, I read this the other day and thought about us:

"Will you be my maid of honor? Will you hold my hand on my wedding day? Will you be my best friend, my sister, my counselor? Will you help me pick out the perfect dress? Will you help me keep the other brides maids up-to-date with the plans, the schedule, and my emotions? Will you stop me from registering for appliances we know I'll never use, and bite your tongue when I register for china you know I'll never use? Will you wear your hair the way I want? Will you sit next to my aunt at my shower, dance with my cousin at the reception, and make sure "you-know-who" doesn't hit on the DJ? Lastly, will you hold my dress when I pee?"

Yep. So us.

I love you and I'm here for you and you're my best friend and you're my soul mate and it's 3 A.M. and this blog says it's midnight but no it isn't and I really should edit this but now I'm actually a little sleepy and I love you and I've already said that so many times but it's true and I like telling people I love them because that's my favorite word and you're my best friend and I've already said that many times too and maybe we can make a drinking game out of this except for the fact that I don't really drink and now omg I'm thinking of girl's night and about bar tending school and omg I should have been at your graduation for a picture and omg I should quit while I'm ahead and I'm sure I'm leaving so many more wonderful things about you and about our friendship out but now I can't think and I wish I was better with words and with feelings and maybe I'll write you another letter and like send that one to you in the mail because that would be fun or maybe I'll just tell you over lunch one day or something and yeah okay I'll stop now.

<3

Monday, February 27, 2012

Blah.

I think people need to realize that there isn't necessarily a right or wrong answer to every situation.

I think people shouldn't hold others accountable to the standards they have for themselves.

I think that the way I live my life is far from perfect, so I shouldn't judge others.

I think this is all a work in progress, because half of these things I'm just now learning or trying to do.

I think it's okay to make mistakes.

I think it's okay to be selfish sometimes.

I think people show emotions differently.

I think I'm misunderstood. A lot.

I think everyone has a unique view point, and just because it's different than mine, doesn't make it any more or less important.

I think truth is substantial.

I think people are beautiful.

I think people suck.

I think this sounds like me judging people.

I think that makes me a hypocrite.

I think that's okay, too, sometimes.

I think I love people more than I hate people.

I think I don't really hate people...I think.

I think none of this makes sense.

I think I need a journal instead of a blog. No one else would see my journal entry. Everyone will see my blog post.

I think 3 people will see my blog post.

I think I'm a good person, except for when I think I'm not.

I think I have a good head on my shoulders, except for when I think I don't.

I think I have a lot of growing up to do.
 
I think I need a wake-up call.

I think I'm scared of said wake-up call.

I think I'm young so I'm allowed to mess up.

I think I'm not that young anymore.

I think I have a lot to prove.

I think I shouldn't be too hard on myself.

I think I've had a good life thus far.

I think everything happens for a reason.

I believe God is real. And that everything will be okay. Always.

I think some may think that's me being naive, but I don't think that.

I don't think things are just black or white or good or bad or truths or lies.

I think this post has gone on for far too long.

I think I don't have a good title for this post.

I think I'm going to call it "Blah. Blah. Blah."

I think that sounds like the Ke$ha song.

This post has nothing to do with Ke$ha. Well, not until now.

Now I'm judging Ke$ha.

Like, seriously? A dollar sign in your name?

I think one "Blah." will suffice.

Please stop thinking about Ke$ha.

Actually, think about whatever you want.

I know I do.

21 before 21.

I turn 21 this October. Some (most) of these things probably won't happen, but I like making lists, and I have a lot of dreams y'all...

1. Spend some time in my home state, California.

2. Own a pair of Louboutins.

3. Pick up French again, before I forget everything that I've learned.

4. Give the Star Wars movies a chance.

5. Read 5 new book series.

6. Take lots of road trips!

7. Go watch something on Broadway.

8. Volunteer at a soup kitchen.

9. Learn to cook something other than Ramen and Easy Mac.

10. Go to at least 3 concerts.

11. Try an extreme sport, like sky diving or bungee jumping.

12. Meet at least one of the loves of my life (Justin Bieber, Robert Pattinson, Ryan Gosling).

13. Learn to knit or crochet or sew or whatever it is you do with yarn.

14. Own something Chanel.

15. Know every Beatles song by heart.

16. Swim in a rooftop pool.

17. Lose at least 10 pounds.

18. Outbid someone on eBay.

19. Have the guts to read Mockingjay.

20. Stop relying on other people for my own happiness.

and lastly,

21. LEARN TO FREAKING DRIVE!

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Love is a verb.

Sorority Soliloquy
By: Anonymous
I've heard it said a sorority
Is a waste of time; but I know better...
For I have seen the love and walked
In the splendor of sisterhood...
I've heard it said that a sorority
Is sad; I can’t agree...
I've heard it said that a sorority
Is a dull, selfish place; It can’t be true...
I've seen the affection, watched it
Fill my heart, the very air...
And I have learned the Creed
Polished and spotless from end to end
And I've watched the sorority's
Devotion drape each and every active
And pledge to look like nature's
Freshly-granted love nourished for growth...
I've heard it said that a sorority is
Harmful, but they are wrong...
For I know my sisters...watched them
Strive to save a cause, spend of themselves...
And I've watched them hope, dream,
And aspire, side by side...
I've heard them say these things,
But I would disagree...
Because for every shadow I have
Seen a hundred rays of light...
For every plaintive note I've
Heard the symphony of joy...
For every penny-weight of bad,
I've found a ton of good...
Good in nature, in people, in my sorority...
I'm thankful I belong.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Happy Girls are the Prettiest.

I woke up kind of grumpy today.

My throat feels like it's on fire. My nose is runny. I have an earache and a headache.

No bueno.

But then I saw the cutest thing my eyes have ever had the privillege of witnessing...


GAH! Can I haz one million babiez, plz?!?!!!

And now everything is alright with the world.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

It's not too late.

"The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you figure out why."
- Mark Twain

I've spent the better part of my night working on an assignment I have procrastinated on. I am supposed to write a fundraising letter and a thank you letter from the point of view of a non-profit organization of my choice.

I chose the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

I've always loved children.

When I was little I skipped the whole Barbie phase and only played with dolls. Like every little girl, I pretended they were my babies and I was their mommy.

Ever since then, I've known I want a couple of kids of my own. Not soon, but someday, I want a house full of happy and healthy children.

While doing research for my letters, I came upon story after story of beautiful children who have had to suffer through these life-threatening illnesses. Some children strive and beat the odds, while others are not as lucky.

The Make-A-Wish foundation helps grant the dreams of these children. Not only do they make their biggest wishes come true, but they also give them a sense of hope and happiness - they help them believe that anything and everything is possible.

I sent out an e-mail to my state's local chapter, offering to volunteer for them.

I'm also going to look into applying for an internship with them this fall.

I was born on October 7, 1991.
I might have possibly figured out why on February 22, 2012.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

All you need is Love.

Y'all know how everybody has a thing?
Like, some people's thing is they're great singers. Or actors. Or musicians. Or they can burp the alphabet.
Gross, I know, but that's a thing.
Almost everybody I know has a thing.

When I first came to college I was hoping to find what my thing was.
I'm not a good singer. Or actor. Or musician. And I definitely cannot burp the alphabet, nor do I want to.
I'm already well into my second year at college and yet - still no thing.

I was talking to my dad about this the other day.
Now, my father...he's definitely one to feed my ego.
In his eyes no one is better or smarter or prettier or more amazing than I am.
In his eyes I can do anything, be anything, have anything.

We were talking about my brother, who will be graduating high school this year.
He's never made anything less than a B in his life.
He plays the guitar.
And the piano.
And the drums.
He has an amazing voice.
He's a great actor.
He's funny.
He's smart.
He's good at sports - like, all of them.
He is so nice and such a good person - seriously, you can't know the guy and not love him. He's just like our mom in that way.
He met Arne Duncan - who just so happens to be the United States Secretary of Education - and after he heard my brother deliver a speech, Arne basically told him that if he ever needed help with anything, my brother should just give his people a call.
I mean, COME ON!
Doesn't this kid sound perfect?

Imagine being his sister.

And there I was rambling to my dad about all of my brother's things and how I wished I had even one of those things and how I would milk it for all it was worth.

After my whole speech my dad told me what he believed to be my thing.

He said my thing was how much I loved.

Me: "Daddy, that can't be my thing."
Dad: "Do you know anyone who loves their family more than you?"
Me: "No, but..."
Dad: "Do you know anyone who loves their friends more than you?"
Me: "No."
Dad: "Do you know anyone who loves Justin Bieber more than you?"
Me: "OF COURSE NOT!"

Okay, so maybe that part about Justin Bieber didn't really happen.

But since then I've wondered, can loving people really be my thing?

I mean, it isn't something I can make a living off of, like my brother can for his acting or singing or instrument playing or brains or sports or...you get the picture.

But after that conversation, I'm content.
And maybe one day I'll be able to see myself through my father's eyes.

P.S. Happy Valentine's Day, y'all.
<3

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Safely home.

This post is a lot of sad, but I think there's a little bit of happy, too.

My grandfather died one month ago this Friday.

I've lost three other family members who I was very close with, more so than I ever was with my grandfather, but for some reason his passing is the one that has hurt the most.

For over thirty years, he worked as a firefighter.

I can count on one hand the number of times I remember him telling me he loved me. He didn't use that word too often - not because he didn't love, but just because that's the type of person he was. He was so tough and reserved, but when you've seen the things he'd seen, could you blame him? He built up a wall. On the rare moments he would let it down, his smile and his laugh were beautiful.
  
He got together with another woman about two years after my grandmother passed away and they had two children. I have a 5 year old aunt and a 3 year old uncle. Silly, I know.

He died of lung cancer. He was a smoker - like, two packs a day.

When he got sick, he changed so much. He began to tell people he loved them all the time. I was so happy that my favorite word became his favorite word - love.

Then he got really sick. It all happened so fast. All his hair turned grey. He lost over 50 pounds in about 2 months. He started having heart problems. And blood clots in his brain. And memory loss. When my mother visited him in Guatemala for two weeks in October, he didn't recognize who she was until the day she left to head back home.

When his lung cancer was detected in the Fall of 2011, the doctors had given him until January of the following year to live. But after everything else that he had been diagnosed with since then, they began to doubt he would make it that far.

On January 10th, 2012, my little brother and I were making card towers in the dinning room. He kept on cheating and "accidentally" knocking my cards down, because I was beating him and he is the sorriest of losers this world has ever seen. It was around 8 P.M. when my mom got the phone call. All we heard was a scream in the hallway and we knew what the call was about. My brothers and I sat with her and held her until my dad got home. My father has such a way with words - he has always been good at that, and he was able to calm her down. Just a couple of minutes had passed since the first call when the other call came in.

My grandfather had been pronounced dead for fifteen minutes.

Then he started breathing again.

Things didn't look too good, though. His brain had gone without oxygen for far too long. The monitors barely registered a heart beat, but as long as that beat was there, there was hope.

He didn't make it through the night. He lived for about 4 hours longer after that.

It doesn't make what happened any less of a miracle.

The day of his burial, we were able to get a live feed to Guatemala and see parts of the service. It was one of the saddest things I have ever witnessed, and I wasn't even there in person. It was also beautiful, if that makes any sense. Part of it took place at the fire station where he worked all those years. A place that saw him grow up and grow old. A place that holds a lot of nostalgia - but also a place that became a second home for many. A safe place of sorts. All of the fire men lined up on the sides of the casket in their elegant uniforms - the ones they would only use for special ceremonies or official pictures. They were honoring one of their best men - one of their best friends. At the end when they did their roll call and they called my grandfather's name, they all yelled "PRESENTE!" for him.

My grandfather was a great man.

I think I'd like to name one of my kids after him someday.

Sometimes on a Crowded Street.

I'm more of the quiet type.

A little shy.

Content in letting others do the talking.

A listener.

Sometimes I feel like my voice doesn't matter. Like I have no say in certain situations. Like some may not care for my opinions or input. And it hurts my feelings. But then I stumble upon something like this -

"Don't strive to make your presence noticed, make your absence felt."

I have no idea who said that, but I'd like to thank them for it.

All of the "I miss you!" and "Where have you been all my life?" and "Come back to me!" I get from my loved ones when they go even a day or two without seeing me make me feel like I'm doing something right. And like I'm a good person. And make me happy.

That's all I've ever really wanted.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

This Life.

This is not the life I ordered.

My dad would have been a doctor - saving lives and stuff. My mom would run countless charitable organizations - working because she wanted to, not because she had to. My brothers and I would have gone to private school, with tuition that rivals that of any Ivy - just because that in on itself would increase our chances of getting into those universities - not to mention the many donations Mother and Father would make to said schools - but we'd each be top of our class, so it's not like we'd need to bribe anyone or anything. I'd play the piano. And the harp. And the violin. I would know what the sport with the horses and the jumping is called, because I'd play that and I'd be great at it. I'd be great at everything. I'd be kind. I wouldn't be snobby - just privileged. After college, I'd go off into the real world. I would make my parents so proud. Then I'd come right back, because I just can't stay away for long. I'd work at a job that I'm good at. I'd fall in love and get married and start a family. I would come home to a husband that loves me and children that give me purpose and so much laughter and love. My brothers would live equally great lives. My parents would be the best grandparents in the world. I'd still have all the best friends I do now, and I'd make even more along the way. We'd all be so happy.

Instead...
My dad is a painter, but not like the Van Gogh kind. My mom has been waking up at 5 A.M. for the past 16 years to go to work. We live in a modest home. My brothers and I have gone to public schools. I go to a private university - but only because I have earned scholarships and receive financial aid. In 4th grade I joined Choir. I quit when my voice began to change. In 6th grade I played the flute. That lasted for a little more than a year - I was tired of never making it to first chair. I also joined theater, until 8th grade when I forgot my lines on stage. In high school my grades were good, but not great.

This is not the life I ordered.

But...
After college, I am going to go off into the real world. I am going to make my parents so proud. Then I am going to come right back, because I just can't stay away for long. I am going to work at a job that I'm good at. I am going to fall in love and get married and start a family. I am going to come home to a husband that loves me and children that give me purpose and so much laughter and love. My brothers are going to live equally great lives. My parents are going to be the best grandparents in the world. I am still going to have all the best friends I do now, and I am going to make even more along the way. We're all going to be so happy.

I know the best people out there. Really, I do. I call them my family and I call them my friends.
I know I can be materialistic, but I also know the best things in life are not things.
Kindness and manners impress me - not looks or bank accounts.
I know what it means to lose people, only because I also know what it means to love people.

There are many things in life I wish I had, that I don't.
But I've never needed for anything.
There are many things in life I dream about.
I'm working on them.
I could have nothing, but instead I have everything.
I am not allowed to be angry or sad.
I am so thankful and I am so blessed.

This is not the life I ordered.
This is the life I was given.
I couldn't be any happier.