Hiatus.

I think there's something wrong with me.

I know I tend to be paranoid, but this time I'm serious. I don't think I'm stuck in the average funk. Funks aren't supposed to last this long. I don't think it's depression either. I live a very good life and I'm surrounded by good people and I'm not really sad or angry or anything. I've been Googling different types of learning disorders, and I find things I can relate to here or there, but still, I'm not sure if it's anything like that. I refuse to go on Web MD.

Maybe I should talk to a doctor? Or a counselor? Or my parents?
Yeah, we'll start with the parents.
Maybe that's all I need.

Part of me doesn't want to post this. I don't want anyone to worry, because whatever it is, if it is anything at all, can't be that serious, because I've felt like this for quite some time now. Clicking the submit button is just my way of holding myself accountable to actually trying to figure out if something is up.

I hope it's all in my head. If a professional tells me I'm okay, then maybe I can move towards being more of my old self again.

I used to be on top of things. Now I've sort of mellowed out. And I mean, I guess that's okay-ish...but it just doesn't feel okay. Sometimes it just doesn't feel like I care about things even when I know I do and sometimes I care too much and this is one of those moments when words are hard.

I don't like the tone of my blog. It feels too serious. I think I'll take a small break from it. Just a couple of days or so to try to figure stuff out and be okay with life and what not. I don't expect to "find myself" or anything magical like that. I don't think we ever stop finding ourselves. I just want to find a really good place and stay there. Or even when things aren't perfect, I want to be okay with that. And when I do, I want to come back and write light and happy thoughts. Even if nobody reads them, that's why I wanted to have a blog in the first place - to record all the good memories.

I want to open my quote books and read beautiful words and believe them and never forget them.

I want to stop being scared of success. I want to help myself, but I want to help others, too. I want to do well and I want to do good.

I have to get through whatever this is. And the process may be slow, and it may be rough, but I know in my heart of hearts that everything will be okay.