Time makes you bolder. Children get older. I'm getting older too.

I'm back!

I missed writing this way too much to stay away for any longer. I think that I've also decided that it's okay to write whatever it is that's on my mind, and if most posts are a little bit on the serious side, it's just whatever.

I got the idea for this post from another blogger who wrote a letter to her younger self. It was beautiful and relatable and it made me cry (but then again everything makes me cry). "When I look at this photo, I want to hug and counsel myself. If I could go back and tell myself a few things, I would do so in a heartbeat. Not to stop her from going through the things I did -- after all, it made me who I am. But I would like to let her know just a few things, to protect her just a little."

It's about to get real personal up in here, y'all...

Here it goes:

Dear 11 year old me,

Life is so good. You're about to graduate from the 5th grade! When you bring friends to your house they always say things like, "I wish your mom was my mom" or "I wish your dad was my dad" and those words fill you up with a sense of pride. You have two little brothers and Bryan is in third grade and he'll carry on your legacy at elementary school because everyone likes the Perez kids and Erik is the cutest baby brother in the world. Life is more than good. Life is perfect.

That is, until you go to middle school.

For the first time you'll be bullied. You'll get picked on about your style and your weight and you'll lose all self-confidence you ever had. You're not used to people not liking you and you won't understand why they are so mean. They'll laugh at you and talk about you and you'll cry yourself to sleep every night.

You'll doubt every nice thing anyone ever said to you and you'll only believe all the bad. You won't think you're pretty or intelligent or important or good enough.

You'll drop out of chorus because you don't think you're good enough anymore.

You'll drop out of band because you don't think you're good enough anymore.
You'll eventually drop theater because your first time performing you'll hear one of your bullies laugh at you from the audience. When your teacher asks you what happened out there, you'll look like you're sorry and say that you forgot your lines. He'll say it's okay and that it happens to everyone. You didn't forget your lines, though. It's just that after you heard her laughing, you didn't think you were good enough anymore.

In the midst of all of this, you'll have your heart broken.

You'll be thirteen and you'll think you're in love. He'll be older. A couple of years older. Okay, he'll be eighteen. Your older self knows how not okay that was now, but your younger self was over the moon. He was so cute and he said he liked you and he could have picked anyone else but he wanted you. You didn't think you were good enough so the first time he asked you to be his girlfriend you said no and then a couple of days later he asked again and you said no and then he asked one more time and he told you he wouldn't ask again and you thought, "Ohmygawd Karen you're going to miss your chance at having the best boyfriend ever and if he is this cute that must mean you're good enough because he likes YOU!" so you said yes. The moment you said yes you gave this boy your heart. You thought you were so lucky because he would hold your hand and he would kiss you and he would tell you you're pretty and who cares if school sucked because you thought you had the best boyfriend there ever was!

He was a family friend, so your cousins and him ran in the same social circle. And again, you didn't care if school sucked because now you had friends and they were also your family and they were older and therefore cooler and you would always be one of them! You'll sneak into night clubs and wear heavy make-up and certain types of clothes just to convince the bouncers you're old enough. You'll start lying to your parents. You won't tell them about him because your dad will kill him first and then come after you.

You'll get scared of who you're becoming so you'll break up with him. He won't be phased at all and you'll go back to crying yourself to sleep at night.

Your mom's cousin will move into your house, more specifically, you'll share your room with her. You'll think she's your best friend because she is so nice to you and buys you things and she's young and pretty and you'll tell her everything and she promises she won't tell and that she'll help you win him back and she'll become your favorite person ever because you'll think finally someone understands you!

Until the day she'll come home crying. She'll tell you you're going to hate her but you don't understand. How could you hate her? She's your best friend. She'll pull out a pregnancy test and you won't understand. She'll say his name and you won't understand. She'll promise she's sorry and you won't understand. She'll say she doesn't even want the baby and you won't understand. Through a cloud of tears you'll see her grab her phone and dial his number and still you won't understand. You'll hear her screaming into the phone telling him this was all his fault and that he needs to fix this. He needs to give her money because she needs to get rid of the baby. You'll hear him screaming back how much he hates her, for wanting to get rid of his unborn child, but for also telling you. He'll say you were never supposed to know. He'll say he's wants to talk to you. She'll hand you the phone but you can't hold it up. You won't be able to move. She'll put it on speaker and he'll talk. He'll say he's sorry...and that he loves you. And for the first time ever, you'll hate.

You'll hate him and you'll hate her and you'll hate yourself and you'll just hate the entire world.

And just when you think your life can't get any worse - it will.

Your dad will cheat on your mom. She'll tell him he has to leave. He was never supposed to let you down. He destroyed everything good that was left in your world and you'll think you hate him, too. Your mom will tell you not to. She'll remind you each day that even though he messed up as a husband, he never once messed up as a father. But none of this will matter to you. You'll find out he's having a baby with someone else. You'll see your mom cry. You'll hear your brothers asking why your dad can't live in your house anymore. No one will them the truth back then because they don't want them to hate just like you do.

You'll have a sister and you'll want nothing to do with her. People will tell you to be the bigger person because none of what happened is her fault, but they wont understand that it wasn't your fault either.

Everyone wants to get you professional help. You won't even be the shell of the person your family knew, but they'll still love you anyway.

They'll love you when you're angry.
They'll love you when you pick fights for stupid reasons.
They'll love you through your ugliest and nastiest and worst moments.
They'll love you when you don't even love yourself.

As time slowly carries on, your mom and dad try to fix things. She'll forgive him and you won't get why, but I can tell you it's one of the best decisions she's made as your mom to date. 

You will all go to church as a family. You've always loved God but you will truly love Him once you see the changes in your dad. You'll finally understand that God can do anything and that He has control of everything and that He will always look out for you. You'll develop a beautiful relationship with God. And you will learn not only to ask for forgiveness, but to also give it.

You won't hate and you won't be angry anymore.

You'll see things through a new perspective. You'll be able to breathe again.

You'll rebuild your relationship with your family and it will be better than it ever was.

You'll realize that no one is perfect and that people make mistakes and that everyone deserves a second chance.

You're also going to seriously regret your ghetto phase. No one will ever let you live it down. Ever.

In high school you'll meet some of your best friends. They'll be a little quirky and so much fun and you'll always want to have them in your life.

You're going to get really sick the summer before 11th grade. It'll be super scary and everyone will kind of think you're going to die. You won't though, so that's good.

College will be hard. So hard. You won't be used to having to try to get good grades or instantly not being one of the smart ones. You'll struggle to develop study habits you should have picked up years ago. 

College will also be amazing. You'll join a sorority. You'll meet women from all walks of life who will love you and accept you and need you as much as you'll need them.

You should call your grandpa more often. You won't have as much time with him as you think you do. You should tell him you love him some more. You should also tell him to stop smoking. He'll once again tell you he's been smoking since he was a teenager and if being a firefighter on top of that hasn't killed him, one more little cigarette won't hurt. You should tell him he's wrong.

Some days you'll feel lost, but most days are going to be so good.

I'm sorry for the pain of your teenage years, but after that angst, your life will be a great one. There will be many laughs and beautiful moments.

It's okay to keep watching Disney. 

You'll be so rich in friendships.

You'll realize that everything will be okay - whether that means letting things naturally fall into place or working for what it is you want and deserve.

You haven't fallen in love again - but who knows what the letter you'll write to your 20 year old self when you're 30 will say? You can't wait to find the love of your life because you'll know love to be the most precious thing in the world.

You're beautiful.

You can do it.

I love you.