(500) days of summer

It's actually 11 right now so I guess that means that in about 5 seconds I'll look up and it'll be 1 AM, right?

Baby Cousin Steven and his mom came over for dinner today. We Skyped with some family in Guatemala and it was nice. They got to see me chase the baby up and down for almost an hour until he fell asleep in my arms. I set him down on one of the couches and joined my aunt and uncle at the table. My parents had already gone off to church and I didn't feel well so I stayed behind.

I asked my aunt if she wanted any more children and she said no. I asked her how that was even possible and if she was 100% sure. She said there was absolutely no way she'd ever change her mind.

My aunt came here about six years ago. Her and her brothe found stable jobs. She fell in love for the first time at 30 years old with one of her co-workers. The douche knocked her up and then went back to his country. A few months after Baby Cousin Steven was born, his father already had another kid on the way.  Both my aunt and her sweet baby deserve so much better and my heart breaks for the woman who always longed for her knight in shining armor.

She says the reason why she doesn't want more children is because on her own she would not be able to give them all the life she's want for them. With Steven alone, she's able to buy him the best of everything. All of the baby's things are top notch products from the best baby lines there are. She doesn't want to stay here much longer, because she wants him to go to the best private schools in Guatemala, where they'd be close to her parents and the rest of her family, and where she can easily finish off her Masters and make the kind of living she dreams about for the both of them a reality.

This led ud to start talking about me and my education.

She told me about the career she was planning to persue. I don't remember the exact name, but I know that it'll make her good money, and that's why she loves and wants to do it so much.

I told her that that's exactly why I went into business, because that's where the big time money is, but that two years into it I was misserable and that I absolutely needd to think about a new career path.

I told her I knew I wanted to work with children, and that I believed my life purpose was to help as many of them as I possibly could in some sort of way.

And she told me that that is most definitely not what I should be doing.

She says that helping thy neighbor is nice in theory and that charity is good, but that wasn't going to get me anywhere.

She says that someone like me, who likes to spend and be spoiled, needs money to be happy.

And even though I want her to be wrong with every single fiber of my being because that is not the type of person I want to be, I don't think she is.

She said that instead of thinking about children I don't even know, I should worry about my parents. She said that eveything I have I owe to them, which is something that is completely true and I've never denied. I told her this. But she said that I wasn't getting it. She said that someone like me, a twenty year old young woman who's never needed for anything, would not make it in the real world.

She said that if I went into something that involves taking care of other people, I wouldn't be able to take care of myself.

And I can't even be mad at her for turning my whole life plan, or what I had thought through so far, upside down because, dammit, she gave me so much to think about.

As much as I know God will always have my back, as much as I believe that everything will always be okay, this world is a cold, hard place.

Money isn't everything, but fuck if it isn't important.

But being able to walk into Saks and buy things without looking at price tags won't give my life purpose.

I've always dreamed of building my mom her dream house. And buying my dad his dream car.

Giving my money away won't help me do that.

But what the hell, my mom has a house! Two actually. Three if you count the one her and my dad co-own in Guatemala. Four if you count the one that's just under his name, because what's his is hers and vice-versa. And my dad drives a huge Cadillac Escalade. He owns his own company. He runs multiple small businesses in Guatemala from here.

They're fine.

They'll always be fine.

They'll survive if I don't grow up to be a millionaire.

And as I was telling all of this to my aunt, she said it didn't matter, because as much as I owed being the most successful person I could possibly be to myself, I owed it even more to my father.

My father who pays for my private university education.

My father who pays for the roof over my head and the clothes on my back and the food on my table.

My father who wakes up each day after two back surgeries that have him on pain medication for the rest of his life that can only numb his physical pain because he has a responsibility to his wife and kids.

My father who came to this country like millions before him in the hopes of a better future.

My father who couldn't finish school because his family couldn't afford it.

My father whose familiy consisted of his grandparents and their children, because neither one of his birth parents wanted a child at the moment.

My father who came from nothing but now has so much.

And no matter how much of a name and a good life both of my parents had made for themselves, whatever I did for them would never be enough.

And that's what she says needs to motivate me to see a career through that not only will allow me indulgences, but will do more than enough to provide and make sure my parents are always taken care of like I want them to be.

She says I'm smart and I have everything going for myself. She says I'm young and it's okay to make mistakes but that I need to figure things out soon.

As if I wasn't confused enough about my life and where it was going before.

I just looked down at the time.

It really took me an hour and a half to write this?

It probably doesn't even cover half of what was discussed over hot dogs and Coke at the dinner table tonight.

Jesus.